Random thoughts

I do not know what to write. For the first time i have nothing to say..nothing to write about. my mind is blanking out and i know exactly why.

I made a resolution that i will not write anymore about that one depressing subject- But everything in a strange random way seems to end up at one destination.That one place where my mind refuses to wonder but where my heart still yearns to be.

Why does it have to be so hard? he's everywhere.

I pick up the papers, curl up in a nice cosy chair curious to know what the world is upto...and he's there! big, bright and bold!-

I switch on the tv.browse aimlessly looking for something that would interst me- and he's there! He of all people. its alomost as if the other 15 are non existent.

its as if the world is playing a nasty trick on me.

Here i am doing the best i can to get rid of the garbage of the last few months and the world just seems to love to rub it in my face. Make it all the more harder for me to forget.

its a nasty cruel world. A world that seems to love dangling him on a thread for me
to see. A world which seems to take great pleasure in shouting out" look its him!!! the one u had and dont have anymore. He's not yours! he'll never be yours'!!buhaaaaaa haaaaaaa JK!!!!!

There are times when i do regret what i did. When i think back on those times when he called me up for no apparent reason, when he chatted endlessly about his hunt for treasure land. The sense of regret creeps in when i realize that there'll be no more of that. I will miss it.I will miss him. I always will. But then again how much longer would it have continued for? maybe a year..two..but someday it would have had to end and i'm glad it ended now.The longer it dragged on for the more it would have hurt.---and thus i console myself---

A part of me questions my own thoughts? why do i still think about him when i myself made the decision that this would be the end? that he would no longer have a place in my life. If at all the only place would be in my memories..as a part of the past..

but here i am still thinking about him. Still missing him very very much. Still wishing that i could have been a part of his life.

sigh. I am human after all.

I sometimes wonder whether it is possible to ever completly forget someone who you once had very strong feelings for.

is it possible to ever truly forget the people we loved? will our hearts ever let go even when we ourselves our valiantly striving to bury the past, the memories and move on???

the heart rules after all...

But i am stronger!!!


Happy Blue:)

the sun will shine again.

I started this blog 3 months ago as a means of expressing the anger, pain and hurt that i was feeling all the time. Every post revolved around that one depressing subject. Him.

He was all i wrote about. He was all i thought about. He was everything. He hurt me and made me cry but still he was the nicest boy i ever knew. He made me happy too in a way that very few people ever have. He was not mine but i still continued to hold on to him refusing to let go and refusing to accept that i never meant anything more than a friend to him. He made that choice 3 months ago.

Today 3 months later i made a choice. A choice that I know will undoubtedly cause me a lot of pain and heartache but with time will prove to be the best choice after all. I burnt the broken bridge. I took the left turn and decided to travel alone.

He is no longer a friend. no longer a stranger. He is but a memory. a memory that from this day forward i will try to forget.

All these months i have felt like a failure. a disappointment. I have felt soo small and insignificant and worthless that there were times that i hated myself. I despised myself. I blamed myself for everything that happened. It was all my fault. I was the fool. I was the loser or so i convinced myself.

But I'm fed up of underestimating my own self and i realize today that i have more worth than that. I may have failed to win his heart but that does not make me a failure. After months of pain and hurt and feeling like one big disappointment today I feel proud of myself. I feel proud because i did something that i never thought i would be capable of doing proving once again that nothing in this world is impossible.

I do know that it is not going to be easy. There will be moments when i will regret what i did. I will feel sad and miserable. I will remember. I will miss him.

But yet from this point onwards i realize that there's no turning back. I burnt that broken bridge and it cant be built again. Its a thing of the past. A past that will not make its way to the future.

I do miss him very very much and maybe a part of me always will.

I sometimes wonder whether i will ever be able to care for anyone like that again. Whether there will be anyone who values that care. whether i will ever find someone who will love me and care for me and give me what he could not...

Today as i type this i feel that i have found something that has been missing in my life for a long time. peace. I feel free as if i was chained all these months and just manged to break away. Maybe I'll not feel the same tomorrow. i don't know. But for today I'm good. I feel free and at peace.

Shay was right. The rain stopped long ago but i was just refusing to come out of the closed room and enjoy the sunlight. After all the sun never stops shining does it??

This was probably the hardest decision i have ever made in my entire life. It took a lot of strength and will power to really let go and decide to move on. We see death as the hardest form of separation. But how much harder it is to say goodbye to someone alive..someone who you cared for..someone who at this very moment may not even remember that you exist...

Life has once again proved to me that nothing is impossible. No let me rephrase that. Nothing is impossible if you trust in God and have a few good friends to support you. To back you up when you feel like your failing. to hold your hand and gently whisper "you can do it". There are times when friends prove to be even better than family. I thank God from the bottom of my heart for blessing me with the best ever. I could never have made this decision on my own if not for their love, support and encouragement and mostly for making me feel that i do have worth after all. The decision was mine but i would never have had the courage or strength to see it through if not for three very special people.

And for him i have nothing else to wish for but that all happiness will be his and that he gets a chance to make his dream come true. I truly hope that luck will be on his side this time over and that history will not be soo cruel as to repeat itself and even if it does that there is someone by him to help him through. Coz tough and hard as he may be he needs that support...


Every night the only prayer that i brought before God was that He would work a miracle for me. A miracle that would transform my life and take away the pain and bring back peace.




I finally found my miracle....


Happy Blue:)

please God.....

the bird. the small room. the big hat. the bird.the bird. the bird.

are these memories only mine?
does he even remember.
does he miss any of it?NO

the answer is loud and clear. so so so very obvious that anyone who doesnt accept it is a big bloody fool!someone like me.

please God please end this. I dont care how you do it just please end this.
please...can you hear me God????

burn the broken bridge. burn it to ashes so that nothing remains. nothing. not even the memories.

let him go...let me live.

one wicket and a crossroad...

Shay always tells me that after the rain the sun always shines.always! but where is the sun i sometimes wonder. It has rained long enough.monsoon rains with stormy winds and rolling thunder. But the sun still seems to be hidden behind a cloud refusing to come out and shine again. Then again i wonder whether i myself am keeping the sun out? that is a possibility i tell myself since i have deprived my ownself of soo much these past few months.

Am i this weak?this helpless? this incapable to take the reins of my life into my own hands instead of letting the wickets control??

The wickets!! they are my weakness.

I was never this weak. This was not who i was. I was stronger than this. If i made a decision i stood by it.i never abandoned them and gave into any sort of weakness.

but who am i today??a sinking iceberg my friend tells me. do icebergs sink?? i'm more like a leaf blown around by strong winds. when the winds blow north the leaf drifts northwards. when the winds blow south the leaf drifts southwards. when the wind is still the leaf is still. the wind controls the little leaf. But one day the winds will be gone...and then what? what will the leaf do?will it stand stong and refuse to be blown away again or will it have decayed with the force of the winds?

how long more i ask myself everyday? how long more do i have to feel this pain and hurt. a pain and hurt which is a result of the love and care i gave so willingly to someone who cared not whether he received it or not. was that the mistake i made? why was it that i cared so much and never realized that he never cared? he didnt care for me.he didnt even care about the care i gave him. his love, his heart was elsewhere.

i'm fed up of this empty feeling that takes over my whole being at the most random moments ever. its like a constant feeling of nausea and you can never puke it out. it remains stuck somewhere in your body and nothing not even the best of friends can help you feel better.

It's like this feeling i get when we're on our way to N'Eliya on the hairpin bends in hatton when thathi drives realy fast and makes our stomaches whirl about. But there's a differnce. when thathi drives there's the assuarance that we are safe and that even though this particular stretch is rough our destination will compensate for all the nasty feelings and rough points.

but this feeling is not the same. I do not know when it will end. if it will ever end. there is no assuarance that after all the miserable feelings, the horrid days, the rough paths that i will end up in some serenly beautiful place where all is happy and at peace.

and once again on that hard, bumpy road which just keeps winding and winding, stretching on for miles on end i face a crossroad. which road do i take?

either way i do not know where i'm headed. if i turn right it would mean that i travel alone. without that which i still hold on to. burning the already broken bridge and leaving us as mere strangers. again it'll hurt me. the stranger will not even feel it.

if i turn left the stranger will travel with me. neither as a stranger or a friend. a strange bond that is of no use to either of us. he will travel on his own separate lane. I on my own. he knows where he's headed. a straight direct path. I on the other hand know not where i'm headed to. all i see is a long bumpy road stretching for miles on end. two lanes. two lives that will never travel together. again it'll hurt me. the stranger will not even feel it.

either way i end up being the loser. whatever turn i take il crash. i'll be the one hurting while he moves on regardless of whether i'm there or not.

he leaves in a few days to see his lifelong dream become a reality. my fingers are still crossed for him. my heart still hopes that he is blessed with the best,that God will not abandon him or disappoint him like last time.

how strange life is. i remember last time i even knew when he was cleaning his shoes and pasting stickers on that willow stick. this time i know nothing.

In a way i'm glad he'll be gone for awhile. maybe this messed upself can be put back in order. would 30 days be enough to do what 3 months couldnt do? i also know that when he comes back things will be different.in soo many ways. I may not even be a minute part of his life anymore. I may just be the girl he met at the match not the miss pri who let her whole life revolve around a wicket for 5 long months, not the miss pri who was there for him when ever he wanted her, not the miss pri who used to bug him that he slept too much. not ms pri. just plain old prianil!

its like a losing match...seven more runs with one ball remaining.impossible.

i lose.the wicket wins.

........

randoms

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. --

[ my favourite quote from "the holiday"--]

Count your blessings!

Today while watching "Georgia Rule" i remembered something that Sr. Dom told me once long ago.."always count your blessings". She would be very disappointed if she only knew that i was doing the very opposite of that today!
Something made me realize that despite all the losses and the defeats, the broken friendships, lost love and countless tears God has indeed blessed me with one of the rarest and most wonderful blessings on earth that very few are lucky enough to find- Friends!! He blessed me with them to help me through the rough times coz he knew there were rough times ahead even though i was totaly oblivious to it all except to the happy blue bubble i was floating around in.
Today as i look at all of those wonderful people who have held my hand right through and who still do, those people who i know i can turn to at any time, who i know will always be there i realize that they are God's blessing to me. They are there when ever i feel down, when they sense that life is a bit messed up on my side of the planet, when ever i need to talk and just let it go ,they are always there.
I see and note all the little things they do for me..sometimes discreetly sometimes openly. the hugs, the kisses, the"just thought of saying hi", the "smile ok pri"s, the "we lauuuu u"s they all come free of cost, provided by the warm hearts of some of the nicest nicest friends i have ever met and will ever meet.They are people who truly care and love me for who i am and who are truly "good friends" and not the kind who take you for granted just coz they know your "nice"!!
i have always heard that friends are quiet angels who lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly! I only realized the truth of it today.
I thank God for blessing me with a bunch of truly awsome friends who are absolutely irreplaceable. I couldnt have asked for anything better....
I may have not have gained the friendship of that which i have prayed long and hard for yet to make up for that God blessed me with the love and care of a couple of friends who mean the world to me. I guess it goes to prove that God gives and God takes.:)

this one's for all those lovely people, my friends who have and will always be there for me...one of the best blessings that God showered on me.

i loooooooooove u all:))

friends!

i always wonder what people mean when they say "you'll always be one of my good friends"?? what exactly do they mean? do they mean that they will always be around when we want them??that we can turn to them when we are feeling down?or does it mean they'll give u a birthday gift and wish you for your birthday once a year??OR does it mean that they turn to you when they are stressed out with life? when they are down and they know that whatever you have you will always find time to cheer them up??what do they mean???

i wish i knew....there's alot i expect from friends..maybe i'm wrong to do that!!i dunno...but if i only knew what the term "good friends" meant i guess i wouldnt realy expect things from people who cannot live up to my expectations!

im fed up of these false promises, these false hopes, these false dreams i'm still holding on to...

im fed up of false friends who claim they want to be "good friends" when they clearly cant even be "friends" leave alone good friends!!

i'm tired of trying to be a good friend.....maybe i never was!!

but turn around and ask urself the same question!!
have u been there for me???

Men

Men! ohhh such a wonderful topic..dont we loove them..dont our lives revolve around them..we cant live without them..soo not!! but this is exctly what they want to hear!
i was scrolln through my blog and realized that every blog post is veery veery depressing..well that's just me! my life is a bit depressing these days..bit! a complete understatement..well about that later..anyway i dont know what made me decide to write about this wonderful species today of all days....a day when the whole world seems to rubbing in my face the fact that...that something!
well i do know what got me thinking about these ohh soo wonderful males who were soo generous enough to part with one of their ribs so that we could be created!!! seriously u think God couldnt have created us without a man's rib? In my opinion that was God's only mistake! If he realy needed a rib to create us maybe he should have borrowed one from a dog or a giraffe or maybe mmmm.....a lion! at least they would have shut up about it and not made it the one and only excuse to claim that they are superior to women! seriously just coz we were a product of one solitary rib that unfortunately belonged to that arrogant self opinionated twit called a man does not give them the right to think that a woman's life revolves around them!
this is why i loove blogging! i can thrash whoever i want in anyway i like and it gives me great pleasure in doing soo:) today "men" will be my victim. this blog post will probably be one of those never ending ones which i shall add to with each passing day a new observation i make about this wonderful species that love to confuse us and muddle us and in short make life hell for us women! well ofcourse they dont realy mean to do this but that is what they end up doing after all and yet stubbornly refuse to accept the fact, which is what in turn makes us want to thrash their heads with a cricket bat!!! --a big hug to all you men out there who might feel just a teeny bit hurt after hearing this!!

anyway before i start off i must say that my observations are purely my own! they are based purely on the men i have met,this includes the asshole, the confused idiot, the sweet guy, the one who means to be nice yet ends up being not-so-nice etc etc etc, the ones i meet everyday and the ones i'm yet to meet!! I stand by the fact that these observations are the rule when it comes to "men"!! but ofcourse there may be the exceptions to the rule, the one odd one who is like a rare gem in a pool of pebbles and rocks!! unfortunatly such rare gems rarely find their way towards me. sigh!! well my fingers are crossed in the hope that i may one day come across that one solitary soul who will be an exception to the rule-in other words a man who is not an asshole!! is that possible??geez that's like looking for a woman without boobs!!! and the day i find this "exception-to-the-rule" i shall end this blog entry! sigh! i pity my poor grand daughter who in all likeliness will have to continue this blog and maybe pass it on to her grand daughter as well=) such is the unlikeliness of ever finding that rare gem!! we shall have to make do with rocks and pebbles! so at least this a good way of getting out the frustration!
( "men" does not include fathers!! i loove my thathi and he is probably the only gem i'll ever know!)

so yes to get to my point...my first observation.

Men hate it when they ask you how you are and you go like "I'm super! I'm fantastic! I'm doing absolutly great!!" they hate the positive attitude!! its the only way you can get them to to shut up! i know coz i did it and i made a man shut up! see the thing is they dont expect that reaction from us..they expect us to be like.."i'm ok" something negative! i think its like an ego booster for them when we are negative! Men are such egotistic creatures that they love to think that they are an indispensable part of a female's world. I guess in a way it makes then feel good to know that we need them to make ourselves feel good! so even if you are feeling down dont show them!!!that's all they need to complete their stupid sense of superiority! well its ok to pity the poor fellows once in awhile and give then the feeble"i'm ok"...after all little kids need to be given some love and attention at times!

go away please!!!!!

why why why why did i ever ever ever meet u!!!!!!!
how much better my life wud have been had i never known u existed!!!!
how much peace i wud have had had i never known u!!!
how much more of life i wudv enjoyed if i had never ever known that U existed!!
why why why did i ever meet u!!!!!
why did i ever feel sooo strongly about u!!!
why did i let my heart rule!!
why was i sooo stupid soooo blind sooo crazy to hold u soooo dear!!!!
why why why!!!
someone please tel me.......
u cant!!!!u cant u cant!!!!
u dnt knw nothing except that stupid thing you do!!!!
please please take me out of this wretched mood i am in!!
please let me live
please let me have peace..
please go and never come back
please forget that we can ever be friends..you dont even know how to be a friend!!!
you are incapable of doing sooo much yet why why why then do i still hang on to you..still wait for you..still hope for you...still care for you..still love u!!!

you are an insensitive idiotic fool
but im a bigger fool to know all that and still continue to let u be my priority!!!

fingers crossed

They say that there's a time and a place for everything. If its meant to happen it always will but never according to our plans or our timing. and ofcourse if you deserve something you will get it no matter what!
that silent prayer of loong ago finaly reached God's ears and I guess in a way he decided that it was time..time to give a truly deserving soul here on earth a chance to make his only dream come true..
I'm happy for him...very very happy:) if there's anyone who deserves that chance its him. All i hope is that this time wont be a repeat of what happend last time. I do hope from the bottom of my heart that this will be his big break..the chance to make his dream come true.
Yet then why do i feel this emptiness, this hollow feeling..this unexplainable feeling??
My mind goes back to the last time a similar incident occured...when his dream was within his reach and then crudely snatched away at the last moment. I was there then.
but did it matter to him?
four months is not a long time. But how much life has changed within that short period.
last time it was I who knew first.. I was the one he shared it with..but this time over i have to pretend i dont know. I find out from other sources.
why was it that life changed things soooo much?why did life change life?
last time over it was I who was there when they decided to deprive him of his chance to shine..it was I who was there when he was down and disappointed. It was me that he spoke to.I was there then.
but did it matter to him?
It was I who waited all day to catch a glimpse of him..bored to death by sitting in front of a television set watching something i knew beans about! It was me who he asked "did u see me?" It was I who told him to smile rather than wear that disinterested look on his face. It was me who he asked "i smiled today! did you see?"
but did it matter to him?
Last time over it was I who was there with him when things werent going well, when he was feeling realy down that it broke my heart to see him like that..to see someone soo strong in such pain..it was me he turned to when he was in a foreign land and fell ill. It was me who he called up to break the good news to in his humble silly down-to-earth way. I was there then.
But did it matter to him?
I was the one he called when he landed on home soil after a month of being away. I was there then.
But did it matter to him?

i could go on for ever and ever...but the truth will never change. things will never be the same.
This time over its going to be very different. I wont be there.
but will it matter to him?

the answer is what makes me feel this horrible nameless feeling that i have felt ever since i heard that God finaly answered my silent prayer.

who will he turn to when things are not going his way this time over?
who will he complain to that his room is too small?that the heat is unbearable?that he has cramps all over his body?that the food was soo horrid that he had to skip meals?who will he call when he lands on home soil?who will be waiting for him??

will there be someone else......

my heart aches to know that this time over it wont be me. that this time over i am what every other friend was to him the last time he toured foreign lands. the time when i meant more....or at least i thought i did...
but what hurts most is knowing that even though my heart breaks to not be there this time over, that his heart doesnt even care.
what hurts most is knowing that after all i gave sooo willingly and so happily it never mattered to him at all. Had i not been there it would have made no difference.

and that is why i hurt soo much.

There is nothing i can do for him this time. I can only keep praying that God will make his dream come true and save him from further disappointment. I can only wish him the best and all the luck in the world. I can only hope from the depths of my heart that things go well for him and that he comes back with a fulfilled dream and that his skill and talent secure him a permanent position in that which he dreams to be a part of.

that is all i can do...and that is all i will do. its not a matter of choice.its my only option..

my fingers are crossed for him just like they were last time...and till he wears that T cap on that stupid head of his my fingers will stay crossed...

times may have changed, life may have changed, our relationship may have changed...
yet my promise will remain.

Miss Pri will never forget!

take the chains away...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCaiat__Mwc&feature=related

You came when I was happy in your sunshine
I grew to love you more, each passing day
Before too long I'd built my world around you
And I prayed you'd love enough of me to stay

If you love me, let me know, if you don't, then let me go
I can't take another minute of the day without you in it
If you love me, let it be, if you don't, then set me free
Take the chains away that keep me loving you

The arms that open wide to hold me closer
The hands that run their fingers thru my hair
The smile that says, "Hello, it's good to see you"
Anytime I turn around to find you there

It's this and so much more that makes me love you
What else can I do to make you see
You know you have whatever's mine to give you
But a love affair for one can never be

If you love me, let me know, if you don't, then let me go
I can't take another minute of the day without you in it
If you love me, let it be, if you don't, then set me free
Take the chains away that keep me loving you

Oh, take the chains away that keep me loving you.

The end.

They say that all good things must to come to an end. so must all bad things. If there is one thing i've learnt during my existence on this glorious planet is that nothing..nothing at all lasts forever. not love, not war not even the best of friendships. if nothing comes between us and what we love and hold dear eventualy death will. Separation is an unavoidable part of our human existence and there's no human force in the world which can halt it. As i write this i remember something that someone very close to me told me once..."everyone has to go..that is life". Little did i realize the irony of those words...an irony that runs deeper than merely the words! At the time i was told this i refused to accept it. In my naivity i believd that i could hold onto everything and everyone who i held dear in my life and never let go of them. I was stupid enough to believe that i could fight against any force and still hold on to the precious few in my life. The only separation i knew and i accepted was death and it was not something i gave much thought to...after all young people dont die!! Yes that was me at 21...naive, immature and totaly oblivious to the realities of the world.

Now at 21 and 5 months i see things differently. Life has changed within these 5 months faster than it has changed during the last 21 years!! These past 5 months have taught me things that 21 years of existence havent. These past 5 months have changed me!!

I'm no longer the delusive, naive, 'nice' little girl who at 21 firmly believed that the happy little bubble that she was floating around in a world of bat and ball would last forever!

The past 5 months may not have been the best in my life..far from it i would say. Yet however unpleasent it may have been, despite the bitter memories, the hurt, pain and tears it has also in soo many ways been an eye opener--to soo many things that thus far i was totaly oblivious to. In a way the curve ball that was thrown my way in the most unexpected manner ever made me grow up and see the world as it is!! not through my delusive pink glasses!!

Life thought me some of the strangest yet most valuable lessons that 13 years of convent education didnt.

I learnt that it takes just a few moments to change our lives, our relationships forever. But that does not mean that life ends there. We accept the change and move on coz if we dont choose to do so we ourselves end up being the loser of the game.

I have learnt that life never rolls the way we want it to...there's a higher force be it karma, the stars and planets or the big guy up in heaven who rules our lives and moulds it the way he wants to or the way its supossed to be. Our plans are not always the best..our dreams not always the wisest. Try as we may to make life roll the way we want it to the heavens have the final say..God's plans may not always be ours but i firmly believe that they are for our own good. As the old saying goes "everything does happen for a reason."

One of the most important things that life taught me was that we can never ever hold onto anything that is not or was never meant to be ours. We may try and try and try and keep on trying for the rest of our lives yet if something is not meant to be ours it never will be!! likewise there are things that are meant for us..meant to be ours forever...and at some point in the strangest and most unimaginable way they will end up being ours. I have learnt that there is no point in waiting for things to happen...if they are meant to they will. I dont believe in huge dreams and meticulously worked out plans.. Life will always end up being what it is supposed to be and no amount of human planning will change its course...if our plans are compatible with our destiny, with how it is supposed to be..then good for you! but if not i have learnt that the wisest thing to do is to accept whatever life throws our way and keep going. Dont mistake that with meek submissiveness. coz its not! its called inner strength..the ability to keep on going when everything in life is against you!! This is also one of the most difficult things to do.

I have also learnt that strangers keep entering our lives all the time. whether we meet them on the road, in campus, online or at a match they keep entering our lives all the time. Some of them are just passersby...a hi and a goodbye and they are gone. Some of them stay with us forver..maybe as good friends, lovers or as a source of inspiration and guidance...and then there are some who dont remain in our lives forver yet in the brief moment that they do they leave an imprint in our lives, our hearts that may remain forever. timeless, eternal and everlasting. They change our lives, enrich it in numerous ways and open our eyes and hearts to soo many things that we were unaware of. and sometimes they do it oblivious to themselves yet they still change us in ways unimaginable. We attach ourselves to them with invisble ropes of love, friendship and care...little knowing that its a matter of time before they are taken away from us back to where they came from...the land of strangers. we love them...they leave.

That's life:) the realities that life taught me at 21 and 5 months!

oh and life also taught me something else..about love. these five months i have tried to convince myself that love is all but an illusion. That in itself is ironical coz i have always been someone who firlmly believd in the power of love. I have seen it in my parents, my grandparents and my campus couple:) Its not love that is an illusion. Love does realy exist. its just our notions about love that are illusions. The love that we dream of..the pink, fluffy, totaly perfect "end-in-a-fairytale wedding" kind of love is an illusion!!Love is never perfect and i guess in a way that is what makes it all the more precious. For me love equals happiness. That does not in any way mean that people who dont love are not happy! but loving someone brings you a differnt sense o f happiness that you cant find elsewhere. I have also learnt that love cant be forced. it has to come from within. it has nothing to do with physical appearences. its something you feel from within and no amount of reasoning will enable you to find a reason for falling in love!

I once asked wendy "why is it that we call the whole of process of falling in love with someone "falling in love". Why falling?? Thats coz falling in love is a risk. a gamble with your heart. On the one hand you may fall in love and there will be someone at the other end to hold you..to love you back. But there's also the chance that you will fall and get hurt...that the other half who you think will be at the other end to hold you is holding on to another. not you!!! That is love. That is life. All of us may not be lucky enough to find and keep the love that our hearts yearn for. Yet that doesnt mean that it doesnt exist. It does! Just coz i couldnt find it doesnt mean its a lie.

oh and ofcourse the greatest lesson life taught me was that men and women are probably THE most incompatible species ever;) A man's mind will never work the way a woman's does! ever! period. the ones from mars are total idiots.period! they do idiotic things.period. they drive us venus residents insane. period. yet despite all their idiotic ways we still love them and we cant do without them..sad..but true;)

pink tshirts, straw hats, pearl necklaces and those "sweet" gestures of dropping you back home..a home situated at the other end of the world mind you, will allure me no more. It did. but that was when i was 21..now at 21 and 5 months i think differntly. I am different.

So to come back to my point..these past 5 months have shown me that not only all good things but all bad things too eventualy come to an end. Nothing goes on forever. To quote the words of one of my dearest friends "you wont smile forever and you wont cy forever! thats life pri. you have to face it"...the wisdom of those words are clear to me only now.

But its true. I smiled like never before..i truly lived up to my name..happyblue:) It was happiness all around. nothing could be more perfect. Yet like everything else it was a fleeting sense of happiness..it ended. it was the best time of my life. the happiest. In 21 years of existence i found real hapiness only in the last 5 months of my 20 years. Maybe i'll never feel it again..i dont know. For now i find it even impossible to believe that anyone other than that which made me smile can ever bring such happiness to life again..yet with life one never knows..

despite the fact that the past few months have truly opened my eyes to realities thus far unseen it has also probably been the hardest period in my 21 years of existence. Detaching myself from something that i cared soo much for was by the far the hardest decison i have ever made. It wasnt realy a decison..it was not even a matter of choice. It was forced on me. Life was unfair. the tears. the pain, the hurt, the confusion never grew any less despite the words of comfort given soo generously by all who realy loved and cared for me...nothing or noone could change how i felt...

in other words my life was not mine anymore..i had no control over it! and hated myself for that. I hated anyone controlling my life yet that in it self was out of my control! I was weak, feeble anything that seemed like hope was enough for me to cling on to. Then despite warnings from everyone i held onto another illusion...for me something was better than nothing.I continued to give. I fooled myself into believing that i was doing the right thing..that this was better..that it was a temporary consolation. I was wrong.

Today as i sit in front of my computer and type this i have finaly made a decision.

When i look back at all that has happened within the last few months i realize something that never struck me before. All these months i have let that which is now gone, take control of my life. I have let it control every part of my life..unknowingly ofcourse..yet it has.

but as my friend once told me...nothing lasts forever....

I realize now that my life is mine! no other mortal should have power to rule over me. I have had enough.

which is why i decided....that its time to let go.

I dont know how practical my decision will be. maybe tomorrow when i wake up i'll think otherwise. But for me tomorrows dont exist. its today that matter. I also realize that by holding onto something that is not mine i will only keep hurting my ownself. and is it worth it?? like i said before if something is meant to happen it will..and if it doesnt it was never meant to be. It was one of the hardest decisions i ever made to do what i did today..but i had to..coz you have to start at some point. All these months i have fooled myself into believing that i was trying..trying to forget and move on..trying to let go off something that once meant soo much to me..that maybe always will. But in reality i havent!! not one bit..

but today im fed up. I'm disappointed and exhausted. Its not that im fed up of caring or giving. I'm fed up of fooling my ownself. I'm fed up having no control over my life. I and I alone have made life hell for myself. and today I've had enough. which is why i decided to take the reins into my own hands. From here on i will dictate my life..the bat and ball will not rule.

Sometimes i wonder why i even made this decision...is it realy because im tired of being controlled by another, is it coz im disappointed that where love failed friendship failed too? is it that i want my life back? is it because i have stopped caring? is it coz all hope seems to have vanished? or is it a defense mechanism to save my self from a very obvious future occurence??

whatever the reason it is a decision i made and it was not an arbitrary one. It broke my heart to do what i did today. To see me myself turning someone who i cared for soo much at one point of life, into a virtual stranger. I broke the bridge.

One of my dad' s favourite songs suddenly came into my mind,,"memories dont live like people do..they always stay with you..whether they've been good or bad...."

I dont believe in burning, deleting or getting rid of all the little memories i have of that time when life was one big blue happy bubble...coz the memories in my mind cannot be erased or deleted as quickly. I only hope that with time i will be able to look back at them and smile...for all the happiness they brought. the memories.

Its time...its time to stop blaming others and move on. All these months i have tried to find a scapegoat and failed miserably! who can i blame? noone not even myself!

its time..time to pick up the pieces and move on..minus that which i will always miss...

someone once told me that God is a big guy and that he needs his own time to sort things out. I guess this is God's way of telling me that its time..

they say that when a door of happiness closes another always opens..at least a window..yet we are soo busy looking at the closed door that we forget to see the one opened to us. True. All i have been doing is looking on at that closed door...i havent seen the open one yet..maybe its not opened yet..maybe it never will...maybe it'll be just a window but my neck is tired of staring and staring at a fast vanishing illusion...its time.

There are no hard feelings.none whatsoever. the bitterness, the anger is gone. i feel nothing anymore. I know i will always care and that that which im letting go off will always hold a very fond place in my memories, in my heart and in my life.

Cricket has and always will be a very intergral part of all Sri Lankans. It is our identity. what we stand for..a huge part of our lives..as long as we are Sri Lankans cricket will always be synonymous with us.....

Life may have thrown some random curve balls at me. Yet despite all the hard times, the bitter moments, the countless tears and the horrible feelings life though me alot of things. Opened my pretty pink eyes to the reality of the world. It took 21 years and 5 months and a heart that i will always care for to teach me what life realy is. And for that i will be ever thankful...to life, to God and to that which God chose to show me life..and love.

I thank God for bringing into my life one of the nicest nicest people that i have ever met and will ever meet...a stranger who crossed my path so randomly yet created an eternal imprint. He will always be someone i look upto, i respect and trust.Always.

that which i once held soo dear, so special has to now be turned into a stranger..just another mere mortal..a passing ship in the ocean of life that happened to spend a fleeting few moments in the harbour of my life..there are no options..its not a matter of choice. Its inevitable. Its life.

Today i give up...God and time will do the rest.

I believe that time shall heal what reason cannot....

In the mean time go out and live your life for yourself. dont waste it like i have done for the past few months...but remember in a moment of confusion "just close your eyes and count from 1 to 10"....someone very dear to me told me that once....miss pri will always remember..

THE END.

to those who trully matter...

Someone once said that it takes the tough times in life to know who your true friends are. Yes. it does take the rough bitter times when you feel that you have lost, when you feel that nothing can ever make it better... to realy know who your true friends are..
I was going through my inbox today...rereading all those messages that sooo many friends sent me to make me feel better at a time when i felt i had lost it all. I was surprised to see that some of them were even from totaly unexpected people who may not even have known what i was going through yet cared enough to take time to write and make me feel better. and it did work! today when i look back i realize that i couldnt have gotten through without all of them..without their love and care.
Today as i reread those messages i also realized something that i had seemingly forgotten thus far. I was soo engrossed in my own troubles, in my own pain, holding on to a past that i was refusing to let go off..in the midst of all that i forgot one of the most important things in life! My dreams , my plans, my hopes may not have come true..i may have lost things that i will always miss, that i may never ever get back. yet despite all the curve balls that life threw my way i realized that life has also blessed me with some of the greatest friends that anyone can ever have. and for that i'm truly grateful..to all of them and to life!
it does take the hard times in life to identify those who truly care for you and those whose friendship is just limited to the surface. I'm glad in a way that i was given an opportunity to realize who the real ones were!
None of them will ever realize how much their care and love meant to me not only during that time but even now...unknown to them they are still my source of inspiration, the people who help me up whenever i feel lonely or depressed.
I have always wondered which of my friends would actualy stick with me till the end. i guess i found the answer now...
I only wish that somewhere along this loong rough road of life i'll be given the opportunity to help them just like they helped me..
Life gives and life takes...life took away one of the most treasured things in my life but in return gave me a bunch of friends who are sooo much sooo much more valuable. who love me for who i am and who truly truly care for me and who i know will always be with me.
I looooooove you all for being there..for the words of comfort and support, for the hugs that were given soo freely..for the 'i love u pri's..for the times you held my hand and said nothing, for telling me that i'm stronger than i think, for the "friends forever" and most importantly for telling me that you will always be there...i looooooove you all..forever n ever n ever!!!
happy blue will never forget=))

i looooove you all..

she wont forget...

Her life changed seven months ago just on a day like today....it was no different..just another ordinary day...ordinary in soo many ways yet extraordinary in soo many ways too...she can still remember..every minute detail as if it all hapened just yesterday...the "pinkness", the straw hat,the gollywog,the intoductions, the questions, the answers, the jokes, the scores....the eyes...no! no eyes.
and then sometimes she wonders whether he remembers...anything...anything at all! was it soo insignificant that he has not even one tiny single memory of it...why could it not mean as much to him as it was to her..as it still is...
it was him! he led her on...he gave her things that noone ever had, made her feel things that noone had ever made her feel, did things for her that noone else had done..yes they were not big fancy things but that is what made them all the more special..all the more hard to forget..opened her heart to love....and then broke it.
it was unintentional..she knows..yet he broke her heart....and what makes it all the more worse is coz he still doesnt realize it....sometiems she wonders whether he does..whether what ever he now does for her is done out of pity for the "nice heart of the one in a million girl"...i guess she'll never know..just like the so many other things that she will never know.
she was his mistake...the victim of his broken heart..the victim of his past..the past that he has yet not let go off and maybe never will....the victim of his confused mixed up emotions, his inability to see what he has, what he has lost and what he needs!
the timing was all wrong! she met him at the wrong time...it was right for her and wrong for him...it was too soon...had it maybe been some other time she wonders whether it may have been different....she can never be her..the past he still clings on to....so the possibility of it being differnt is almost nil!
it wasnt anyones's mistake....it was just the way things were meant to be...it was life..fate..destiny.. that their paths had to cross....that hearts had to be broken...tears had to be shed...memories that will remain forever..
but it wasnt fair...life wasnt fair to her...it wasnt fair that she had to lose...he lost nothing..coz he had nothing to lose...it was she...she lost...she's still lost...lonely...not knowing where to go..stranded in the middle of nowhere...while he goes on without a care. it isnt fair that everyone asks her to forget and move on...if it was that easy she would have done it herself..does he expect her to forget it all and just move on....not forgetting him too?
love is just one whole big illusion......all it brings is tears and pain and heartbreak.
she knows that she has to let go..maybe not right now...but at some point....if not he'll hurt her again and this time she will be responsible not him!
it breaks her heart to know what she knows......
it is not her who his heart misses.....

but for her......he'll always be the one....the one heart that her heart will always long for..will always miss..will always love...

she'll never forget....her heart wont let her....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xJuD6L-azg&feature=player_embedded

Random thoughts.

Life is a strange mass of twist and turns indeed. The most unexpected things happen, we meet unexpected people who turn our lives completly upside down, we make plans, dream big dreams but rarely see any of them become a reality. Instead life twists our fates in ways totaly unexpected, in ways that we never even imagined possible, takes us down long roads and winding paths that we never even dreamt of treading on merely beacuse we didnt know they existed! Life rarely goes the way we want..and its strange coz after all our lives are ours! we are the master not the slave! yet that is how it stands..try as we may we cannot fight against it..we can never fight against life! all we can do is accept what is thrown our way, accept the fact that our lives may not be going the exact way we want, accept that our dreams, our plans may not have been the best after all and most importantly make the best of everything you'v got! Be happy with what life gives you, the strange twists and turns, the unexpected U turns..they are all part of life and even though they may not be exactly what you want you will learn to live with it..its a matter of adjusting yourself, your dreams, your hopes...your life. It calls for a certain amount of compromise too but at the end of the day if you are happy even if that means that you have compromised on a lot of things, alot of dreams, alot of expectations.. i think that is all that is important! That you are happy:)

Life has always given me theunexpected! the good and the bad...the twists the turns have been endless! I never saw myself in the circumstances that im in today! I never imagined that this was how things would be...i had my own dreams, my own plans but fate had its own!..and this is how it is today and what more can i do but make the best out of it and be happy with what i have!

In the midst of all these unexpected twist and turns life also teaches us a very important lesson..that nothing is impossible! Things that may have at one point seemed totaly impossible, unachievable, sooner or later fall within our reach for us to grasp them and make the most of them! They may be different to what we expected but that doesnt change the fact that they were once things that we labelled as "impossible"!

Impossible is nothing....I'm glad that even without realizing this i made a very important decision to stick on...to continue to be friends with someone whom everyone said was not worth being friends with....who had nothing to offer me..at least nothing that met my expectations...yet i stuck on coz after all that is where my happiness lies and most importantly i stuck on coz sometimes life is not about holding on to people who have something to offer you....its about giving to people who you know can never return the favour! and what greater happiness is there in the world than that......

They say love conquers all....but i believe that where love fails friendship stands firm. Love may bind two souls forver but its friendship that holds the world together.

coincidence!

Is it a coincidence i wonder??
is it a coincidence that every time my heart desparately longs for something that something very strangley appears at the most random strange moments?
is it a coincidence or is it something else.......
.....................................................
i dont know...i never will...
but there is something i do know....
i was right about the happy charm:)

missing!

Exams!! sigh!

Yes i have studied..maybe even more than other times..i have put in a lot of effort, time and truly focused despite alot of negative distractions. The positive distractions have vanished this time over..is that a good thing or not i sometimes wonder? I feel more confident than last time...i feel better prepared i feel better in many ways....but yet...

but yet...how much has changed since the last time i sat for a major exam...soo much..

yes true i'm better prepared this time..i know i can do better and yes i do want to do well and get good grades. Yet that support...that encouragment that "you can do it Pri" is missing...and i yearn for it..i do..when i'm tired and stressed and feel that i cant do anymore, when my confidence fails me, when i absolutely cant go any further i want that encouragement...that "hey miss pri take it easy..you can do it..ur a smart girl", i need that reassuarance that i cant give my own self, that "mamme kiyuwoth waradin ne..take my word for it".....i need it coz...i need it..

i know its still within my reach...but in soo many ways its different...

my heart yearns for that confidence, that support that only that one person can give me..the very thing that i cant have..its a pity that my heart always wants things that it cant have...

so this time over i'm on my own...noone to report back to after exams...no "i told u it would be easy for you ne", no one to complain about to about all the shortcomings in the paper, noone to cheer me up when i'm in total despair that i'v flunked...no more calls from banga to tell me that what is gone is gone!! cheer up leave it behind and move on...

i'm on my own..and i will survive...without that source of confidence and support..i will do my best on my own! coz ther's no other alternative....
i truly wish my happy charm was around..it may not have brought me luck but it brought soo many other things that were sooo much better that luck alone!

miss pri is a smart girl...thank you for telling me that....

Never regret anything that made you smile:)

I came across a very intersting phrase today..."never regret anything that made you smile"
For some random reason this line stuck in my mind and i have been thinking about it over and over again..its true isnt it...when things go wrong we blame ourselves, we blame others, we hate ourselves for being so foolish and naive. Yet amidst all that we forget the good times we had..the times when we smiled..a true heartfelt smile..the happy memories.
I was no different...regret was the only thing that i felt..There was regret for everything that had happened, everything that i had done..the mistakes..the foolishness..evrything. Regret in ever getting to know that which at times i wish i had never known..There was not a moment that passed when i didnt stop regretting and it made me in no way feel better. It just continued to add to the miserable helpless feeling that seemed to have pervaded my being.
but today one single simple line changed things..changed my thoughts--never regret anything that made you smile--
its true..why must we regret anything that made us smile..that made us happy? a smile..a genuine heart felt smile is not something that you need to feel any sort of regret about.Rather you need to feel happy that you were given the chance to smile...a smile that will linger with you long after that which made you smile is gone.
I do not know whether there will be anyone who will make me smile like i did..maybe there will be maybe there wont. But i do know that i will no longer look back at those memories..the bitter once and the sweet ones with regret..coz you can never regret anything that made you smile..never regret meeting anyone who brought a true smile on to your face.
I smiled like i never smiled before..i was happier than i ever was...things may not be the same today....things have changed in an unexpected way..
Yet i have no regrets now..how can i regret something that made me soo happy? that made me trully smile?

i will never think regretfully about that day anymore...the day which fate chose to let a random stranger cross my path and leave an imprint that time may never erase...ever.

smiles:)

There are those random moments in life when we look back at certain past events..certain memories that we have cherished at the back of our minds ..and smile...a true genuine smile that is born from the depths of our hearts. Its a smile that brings back the memories, the happiness involved with those memories and fills our heart with warmth and a strange sense of meloncholy too...its a true smile that is born out of true happiness...
Yet the smile in itself is of a strange nature...its a genuine smile that makes your eyes brighten up. yet hidden behind that smile is an element of sadness, hurt and pain...maybe it springs from the fact that you realize that your source of happiness is no longer available..no longer yours..or maybe its the hurt that springs from regret..regret that life had to turn out this way..the ache in your heart for that mising element of happiness in your life......
but yet you smile...coz the memories are soo sweet so warm that its warmth still fills your heart and makes you feel as if it all happened just yesterday:)
There were times when i felt that every memory would only bring a tear..but things seem differnt now...the hurt and pain still lingers yet the memories dont hurt as much...they still bring a smile on to my face for when i look back i realize that they were the best times of my life..the happiest and the best and i'm thankful to at least have the memories to hold on to...
the smile may not be as pretty as it was...it may not make me glow like it once did but as long as the memories last i will always smile that happy blue smile of mine:)
its strange how random people can influence us soo much..how even a simple thing as a smile relies on them..on the memories they created for us..we created with them...
I have met many lovely people in my life....people who have influenced me in numerous ways..who have made me what i am today...but for me there is but just one person who will always always make me smile...
things may have changed...yet......life continues...two separate paths that were never meant to merge...yet the smile will always remain the same...
I only wish i knew.. whether the memories light up those eyes. too...just like they do mine...whether they add a gleam, a sparkle to the brightest pair of eyes i've ever seen...i wish i knew whether i was able to give back at least a fraction of the same happiness to the life that added a new dimension to my own life and changed it forever............
Miss Pri realy wishes she knew!
:)(

sometimes i wonder....

sometimes i wonder why God makes us keep praying for what we need when he already knows...

sometimes i wonder why God takes away the things that mean the most to us...

sometimes i wonder why God brings people in to our lives and then snatches them away from us...

sometimes i wonder why God gives when he knows that he's gonna take it a way...

sometimes i wonder why God never makes our plans come true...

sometimes i wonder why God leaves us soo helpless...

sometimes i wonder why God doesnt bless people with the things that they trully deserve....

sometimes i wonder why God makes all the bad things happen to the good people in the world...

sometimes i wonder why God gives us things that we never expect...

sometimes i wonder why God pretends to be deaf to the prayers that we keep repeating all the time...

sometimes i wonder why God keeps so many people unhappy, lonely and lost in this world...

sometimes i wonder why God gives us soo much hope, happiness and then takes it all away as if we dont deserve to have it...

sometimes i wonder why God never makes some of our dreams come true...

sometimes i wonder why God had to bring him in to my life....


....but who am I to question God!

:)(:

once in awhile we all like to feel appreciated....to feel that even though you think you are forgotten people do remember you..they may remember you at the strangest most random moments but it feels good to know that at least they do remember you.
It feels good when you feel that your opinion counts too...its nice to know that even though things may have changed some people still feel that they can depend on you when they are in confusion or when they just want to talk...just want to let it out.
it makes you feel good to know that people who you think about incessantly...every moment...and who you think dont even remember your existence anymore, do still remember you occasionaly..
it feels good to know that even though you are apart you are still not strangers...friendship still lingers on..
its even better to know that what ever may have happened...how ever great the pain and hurt was you still have it in you to help another in a time of need...
its nice to feel appreciated:)
its good to know that at least one day is different from the rest...
but you know what makes you realy happy??

its when God answers the silent prayer of your heart when you yourself have stopped praying for it!
:)

strangers in a strange world....

Life is such a strange strange phenomenon...it does the most strange things to us and then strands us in a strange strange world.

its strange how fate decides to bring strangers in to our lives.people whose existence was completely oblivious to us before fate decided to make them cross our path. we meet them at the strangest places possible, under the strangest circumstances and suddenly these virtual strangers turn into friends...special people in our lives.yes a strange twist indeed!

and sometimes you wonder how these random strangers end up earning an irreplaceable place in your life. you know for sure it was something more than the big straw hat and the ultra feminine pink T that made you feel almost instantaneously that these strangers were strangely not strangers anymore.

suddenly fate decides to change these virtual strangers into very special people in our lives.In their own oblivious way they carve a special place in our lives and in our hearts..they make us smile, and blush like a cute little 16 year old.they make us happy in their own special way...they are strangers no more:)

then they do something that makes you feel so special, so cared for that you feel as if you are probably the happiest luckiest soul in the world. you thank fate from the depths of your soul for bringing these random strangers in to your life.

and then its gone...a minute, a couple of hours, a day is all it takes to turn these strangers who are no longer strangers to us..back into strangers! they are gone as fast as they came in to our lives..

with time you realize that all the while these strangers fooled you...played around with you..maybe unintentionally but still you were fooled into believing something that was virtually non existent. it was all a facade..you look back and realize that everything that you once thought was done especially for you were things that they would do for any other random stranger that they happen to come across!

It rips you apart...breaks you into a million pieces..you curse fate with the same vigour that you once thanked it for for bringing these strange people in to your life. you curse yourself for making these strangers such an integral part of your life..for all the care you gave them..for giving them such a special place in your life..in your heart...a place that may not be replaced by any other...a void that will always remain.

then you try to hate them...for what they so obliviously..unknowingly..and unintentionally did...a futile attempt..you have given them soo much of yourself that you cant find the heart to hate them.

stupid stupid strangers!! you gave them soo much and they never even asked for it. you fooled yourself into believing that they did. you opened your heart to them...and all they did was rip it apart. it wasn't their fault.it was yours for soo foolishly letting a random stranger control your whole life..your feelings...your thoughts..for believing and trusting a stranger who you knew nothing about but foolishly thought you did.

the stranger who turned over your whole world..who changed everything in you..who you had learnt to depend on soo much...who was no longer a stranger to you but rather the very opposite of that....has now once again become nothing but a stranger...a stranger who unknowingly has such control over you..over your thoughts..your mood..your entire day.
ain't it strange how some random person can have such a lot of control over you?such power that he or she can either make or break your day?

life is strange...it brings these strangers into our lives and then rudely snatches them away without any apparent reason and that too after we have made them a part of us...if so why then did fate make them cross our paths?

all we are left is with a deep sense of emptiness...a hollow deep within...a loneliness that all the love in the world cant diminish.. we are left as wandering strangers in a strange world with a heart that aches for that one stranger who randomly crossed our path one day....in a strange way....the stranger who your heart can never forget.

a strange strange world it is....

:(

and it happens again....evrything seems ok and then in the course of a few minutes it changes. the feeling returns. that nameless awful feeling that makes me feel just empty, hollow and blank:( its my fault..i always seem to open a can of worms at the wrong time...i keep going back...remembering...i wish i could stop thinking! i wish someone would take away my ability to think! as usual i always keep wishing for things i cant have..ever!
i cant help it...there's always something that will make it all come back....
just when i think....things seem better now....i end up realizing that nothing has changed....and i wonder whether it ever will...
nothing scares me more than the thought that i will always be here. stuck.unable to move on! and now i doubt whether the decision i made was the wisest thing to do...maybe i should have listened to what my friends said rather than trusting my own self..n my warped decisions.
i miss it...i realy do:(

confused

I see things now..things that i never saw before...things that were so obvious yet which i was totaly oblivious to! i see it all..very very clearly yet i still keep defending that which need not be defended at all! I do not need to defend it...i cannot change the way people think, or stop the people who genuinely love and care for me from standing up for me and taking my side. I love them for being there for me yet i still do not want to hear anyone say anything against that which i am striving sooo hard to defend!! and why?? do i see a reason in doing that??would that which i'm trying to defend even care??
and sometimes i dont even feel like defending it anymore....coz when i look back i can see that its not worth it! I dont blame myself for what i felt, for everything i did..coz had i not responded in that way i wouldnt have been human! it would have taken a heart of stone to not feel what i felt given the circumstances.
so in a way that which i am trying to defend is not worth defending at all! yet i do it! i keep defending "that" all the time even though deep inside i myself dont believe in it! there are times when i feel like just screaming out "yes you are to blame!!" but i dont...i keep shut as i always do...
and then again at times i feel that defending is the right thing to do...noone else has the right to judge and i know that that which im struggling soo hard to defend could never knowingly hurt anyone....not me..
i dont know..i honestly dont...all i do know is that i will always keep defending that which need not be defended at all....i'm tired and exhausted of doing it but i will continue to do so....coz deep inside underneath all the confusion my heart tells me that i'm doing the right thing...and until the day that my heart tells me otherwise i will continue to defend him.

the heart has reason that reason does not understand!

...there are times when our hearts tell us one thing and our minds tell us another...at times its hard to understand which we should obey..whether we should listen to our hearts or our minds. they both tell us what we should do yet then why do they always always tell us opposing things?? why is it that our hearts tell us one thing and our minds tell us to do the exact opposite of that??why is it soo hard for the two to work together and thus make our lives less complicated!!
they say that your heart guides you...then what does your mind do?
maybe following what your mind says is the wise thing to do... the right thing ...your mind will tell you what you should do..but is that what you realy want to do?
your mind tells you to let go...to move on..to forget that which you ought to forget..yet your heart doesnt let you..it stubbornly refuses to let go. its as if your heart wants to hold on forever..hold on to something that does not belong to you..that never did!
is that a wise thing to do?? is it worth the hurt and pain??is it worth holding on, obeying the commands of your heart?rejecting the voice of logic and reason!

my mind tells me to let go but my heart wont let me......and sadly i choose to listen to my heart.

i hope that with time my heart will learn....to stop holding on to something that my mind sees no point in holding on to and to let go...forever.

but for now.... the heart rules!

another day....

It's another day...a brand new day and the start of a new week..almost a new month...yet even though the day is new it still feels very much the same.very much like the 30 days that have gone by..the 30 days in which i have missed so much..of everything that was at one point everything to me.
I have learnt to live without the things that i had got so accustomed to...the things that made my day...that made me smile..they are no more and they never will be...yet as they say life goes on!
I have stopped questioning...stopped asking "why". coz i see that there is no point in questioning about something that is now gone. There are certain things in life that are hard to accept...you cant understand why they had to happen...you try to figure it out..why life had to turn out like it did...but you cant..maybe you'll spend the rest of your life trying to figure it out and maybe you still wont.There are strange mysteries in life than can and will never be answered.
Everyone says "maybe it happend for the best"..maybe! but 30 days after i have still failed to see what the best could possibly be. maybe it's coz i refuse to see...coz im still silently holding on...refusing to accept that things are not what they were a month ago!
For the past month i have asked God for just one thing....but today its another prayer i bring before Him. I have never once asked Him to give me back what i lost coz i dont want it back..i dont....its something else that i want and God knows what it is...sometimes i wonder whether God has forgotten me...is ignoring me...
the day still feels empty...the mornings feel blank...life has lost its cheer. but i go on...pretending as if i'm missing nothing..that my happy old self is back..i wish the emptiness would go away...i guess i conceal it so well though that noone guesses that im still where i was exactly a month ago!
....All i wish is that God will hear my prayer today...that he will make today a tad different from yesterday...or maybe it'l be tomorrow....tomorrow....i dont know.
please keep that which I lost...happy...would that be possible God??

why:(

There are times when i dont understand my own self!! why is it that i still keep hoping for things which i know can never ever be??? why do i expect things from people who i know can never give me anything i want???why am i still so disappointed when things that i want dont turn out the way i want them to??why do i still keep waiting???why do i still keep thinking about things that i see no point in thinking about but still do think about???why do i still pray?? why do i still hope???why do i wish that i could turn back time..change things...???why do i keep wishing for things that i know there's no point in wishing for??? why are people for whom i am just another option, just another person ....still a priority in my life???why am i still giving them such a lot of importence in my life? why do i still care for those who dont give a shit about me??? why do i always keep wondering about them??about what they are doing??whether they are happy???what do i get by caring for people who just dont care????

why why why????

maybe that's who i am......an idiotic, stupid stupid stupid stupid girl who doesnt know what she's doing, whose holding on to things which dont belong to her, whose unable to let go.......whose tired and fed up of holding on yet has not the strength to let go!!! an idiot thats who i am!!!

i hate myself for what i am doing to my own self!!!!!!

i hate.....................everything!

Bubbles burst!

Have u ever felt that…..happiness? That completes total absolute happiness that engulfs your entire being and makes u feel that there can be no one happier than u in the entire world? That happiness that makes u feel that life couldn’t be more perfect than this? That happiness that u have always been looking for, that has always always eluded u and now finally is within your reach?? Well if u have then you’re very lucky. Ur lucky coz in your happiness, in that sweet little happy bubble that your floating around in ….your foolishness remains concealed. Reality is hidden.

In a way…it IS good! To float around in a happy little blue bubble, to ignore reality coz everyone around deserves that right, that chance to experience complete bliss even once in their lives.

You float….far far away…..higher and higher…..look down on those others who are striving to create a happy bubble for themselves and u say to yourself “what fools!! This is life and I am living it!!” but little do u know the irony, the naivety. The foolishness of your own words!

Because in your happiness….in that pretty little bubble u forgot one thing! You forgot…that all bubbles whether they are big, small, pretty, ugly, blue or pink…they all burst! ALL BUBBLES BURST!! Period! Ping! And they are gone…..and what happens to u? You…who were happily floating around without a care in the world??

You fall!!! Of course you do! You fall, fall, fall, fall, and fall…….and fall. The higher u were the worse the fall. U fall, u get hurt, maybe ……u break a limb. The worst thing that could happen to you is you’re paralyzed for life!! So what??Ur still aliveJ

And then u have two options….either u blame it on someone else. Hold someone else responsible for your fall! Ur foolishness. Ur mistake becomes someone else’s responsibility! Their fault!! But is that fair?? No one asked u to float so high! U did it!! And u did coz that is what WANTED to do!!!

Or u get up…….let the wounds heal. Thank god for the fall and u move on…u know you’ll never float again…u don’t want to!! No one wants to fall twice huh??

So…there are two roads ahead of u….this may not be the ideal time for u to decide which road to choose coz your hurt and in pain after that horrible horrible fall! But u have to chose and you've gotta do it fast! Either u blame someone else for your mistakes or u learn to from your mistakes and move on...

Maybe u might never experience that happiness again…but be thankful that at least u were given the chance to drift about in that happy blue bubble for the first and last time in your life. Be thankful for the memories…for the happiness…for the smiles. Not everyone is given that chance.

And welcome to the real world….the hard, bitter real world where happiness is an illusion! A naïve creation of a foolish mind which believes that happiness lasts forever. U may have gotten here a tad too late but u still got here! Welcome to reality where nothing and no one lasts forever!! And where great expectations more often that not lead to great disappointments.

Never ever ever place your happiness in the hands of another. For remember this is the real world and whether u like it or not u are here to stay!! And u are no VIP! The ground rules don’t change!!!!!

P.s – all bubbles burst. Even blue ones!