fingers crossed

They say that there's a time and a place for everything. If its meant to happen it always will but never according to our plans or our timing. and ofcourse if you deserve something you will get it no matter what!
that silent prayer of loong ago finaly reached God's ears and I guess in a way he decided that it was time..time to give a truly deserving soul here on earth a chance to make his only dream come true..
I'm happy for him...very very happy:) if there's anyone who deserves that chance its him. All i hope is that this time wont be a repeat of what happend last time. I do hope from the bottom of my heart that this will be his big break..the chance to make his dream come true.
Yet then why do i feel this emptiness, this hollow feeling..this unexplainable feeling??
My mind goes back to the last time a similar incident occured...when his dream was within his reach and then crudely snatched away at the last moment. I was there then.
but did it matter to him?
four months is not a long time. But how much life has changed within that short period.
last time it was I who knew first.. I was the one he shared it with..but this time over i have to pretend i dont know. I find out from other sources.
why was it that life changed things soooo much?why did life change life?
last time over it was I who was there when they decided to deprive him of his chance to shine..it was I who was there when he was down and disappointed. It was me that he spoke to.I was there then.
but did it matter to him?
It was I who waited all day to catch a glimpse of him..bored to death by sitting in front of a television set watching something i knew beans about! It was me who he asked "did u see me?" It was I who told him to smile rather than wear that disinterested look on his face. It was me who he asked "i smiled today! did you see?"
but did it matter to him?
Last time over it was I who was there with him when things werent going well, when he was feeling realy down that it broke my heart to see him like that..to see someone soo strong in such pain..it was me he turned to when he was in a foreign land and fell ill. It was me who he called up to break the good news to in his humble silly down-to-earth way. I was there then.
But did it matter to him?
I was the one he called when he landed on home soil after a month of being away. I was there then.
But did it matter to him?

i could go on for ever and ever...but the truth will never change. things will never be the same.
This time over its going to be very different. I wont be there.
but will it matter to him?

the answer is what makes me feel this horrible nameless feeling that i have felt ever since i heard that God finaly answered my silent prayer.

who will he turn to when things are not going his way this time over?
who will he complain to that his room is too small?that the heat is unbearable?that he has cramps all over his body?that the food was soo horrid that he had to skip meals?who will he call when he lands on home soil?who will be waiting for him??

will there be someone else......

my heart aches to know that this time over it wont be me. that this time over i am what every other friend was to him the last time he toured foreign lands. the time when i meant more....or at least i thought i did...
but what hurts most is knowing that even though my heart breaks to not be there this time over, that his heart doesnt even care.
what hurts most is knowing that after all i gave sooo willingly and so happily it never mattered to him at all. Had i not been there it would have made no difference.

and that is why i hurt soo much.

There is nothing i can do for him this time. I can only keep praying that God will make his dream come true and save him from further disappointment. I can only wish him the best and all the luck in the world. I can only hope from the depths of my heart that things go well for him and that he comes back with a fulfilled dream and that his skill and talent secure him a permanent position in that which he dreams to be a part of.

that is all i can do...and that is all i will do. its not a matter of choice.its my only option..

my fingers are crossed for him just like they were last time...and till he wears that T cap on that stupid head of his my fingers will stay crossed...

times may have changed, life may have changed, our relationship may have changed...
yet my promise will remain.

Miss Pri will never forget!