The end.

They say that all good things must to come to an end. so must all bad things. If there is one thing i've learnt during my existence on this glorious planet is that nothing..nothing at all lasts forever. not love, not war not even the best of friendships. if nothing comes between us and what we love and hold dear eventualy death will. Separation is an unavoidable part of our human existence and there's no human force in the world which can halt it. As i write this i remember something that someone very close to me told me once..."everyone has to go..that is life". Little did i realize the irony of those words...an irony that runs deeper than merely the words! At the time i was told this i refused to accept it. In my naivity i believd that i could hold onto everything and everyone who i held dear in my life and never let go of them. I was stupid enough to believe that i could fight against any force and still hold on to the precious few in my life. The only separation i knew and i accepted was death and it was not something i gave much thought to...after all young people dont die!! Yes that was me at 21...naive, immature and totaly oblivious to the realities of the world.

Now at 21 and 5 months i see things differently. Life has changed within these 5 months faster than it has changed during the last 21 years!! These past 5 months have taught me things that 21 years of existence havent. These past 5 months have changed me!!

I'm no longer the delusive, naive, 'nice' little girl who at 21 firmly believed that the happy little bubble that she was floating around in a world of bat and ball would last forever!

The past 5 months may not have been the best in my life..far from it i would say. Yet however unpleasent it may have been, despite the bitter memories, the hurt, pain and tears it has also in soo many ways been an eye opener--to soo many things that thus far i was totaly oblivious to. In a way the curve ball that was thrown my way in the most unexpected manner ever made me grow up and see the world as it is!! not through my delusive pink glasses!!

Life thought me some of the strangest yet most valuable lessons that 13 years of convent education didnt.

I learnt that it takes just a few moments to change our lives, our relationships forever. But that does not mean that life ends there. We accept the change and move on coz if we dont choose to do so we ourselves end up being the loser of the game.

I have learnt that life never rolls the way we want it to...there's a higher force be it karma, the stars and planets or the big guy up in heaven who rules our lives and moulds it the way he wants to or the way its supossed to be. Our plans are not always the best..our dreams not always the wisest. Try as we may to make life roll the way we want it to the heavens have the final say..God's plans may not always be ours but i firmly believe that they are for our own good. As the old saying goes "everything does happen for a reason."

One of the most important things that life taught me was that we can never ever hold onto anything that is not or was never meant to be ours. We may try and try and try and keep on trying for the rest of our lives yet if something is not meant to be ours it never will be!! likewise there are things that are meant for us..meant to be ours forever...and at some point in the strangest and most unimaginable way they will end up being ours. I have learnt that there is no point in waiting for things to happen...if they are meant to they will. I dont believe in huge dreams and meticulously worked out plans.. Life will always end up being what it is supposed to be and no amount of human planning will change its course...if our plans are compatible with our destiny, with how it is supposed to be..then good for you! but if not i have learnt that the wisest thing to do is to accept whatever life throws our way and keep going. Dont mistake that with meek submissiveness. coz its not! its called inner strength..the ability to keep on going when everything in life is against you!! This is also one of the most difficult things to do.

I have also learnt that strangers keep entering our lives all the time. whether we meet them on the road, in campus, online or at a match they keep entering our lives all the time. Some of them are just passersby...a hi and a goodbye and they are gone. Some of them stay with us forver..maybe as good friends, lovers or as a source of inspiration and guidance...and then there are some who dont remain in our lives forver yet in the brief moment that they do they leave an imprint in our lives, our hearts that may remain forever. timeless, eternal and everlasting. They change our lives, enrich it in numerous ways and open our eyes and hearts to soo many things that we were unaware of. and sometimes they do it oblivious to themselves yet they still change us in ways unimaginable. We attach ourselves to them with invisble ropes of love, friendship and care...little knowing that its a matter of time before they are taken away from us back to where they came from...the land of strangers. we love them...they leave.

That's life:) the realities that life taught me at 21 and 5 months!

oh and life also taught me something else..about love. these five months i have tried to convince myself that love is all but an illusion. That in itself is ironical coz i have always been someone who firlmly believd in the power of love. I have seen it in my parents, my grandparents and my campus couple:) Its not love that is an illusion. Love does realy exist. its just our notions about love that are illusions. The love that we dream of..the pink, fluffy, totaly perfect "end-in-a-fairytale wedding" kind of love is an illusion!!Love is never perfect and i guess in a way that is what makes it all the more precious. For me love equals happiness. That does not in any way mean that people who dont love are not happy! but loving someone brings you a differnt sense o f happiness that you cant find elsewhere. I have also learnt that love cant be forced. it has to come from within. it has nothing to do with physical appearences. its something you feel from within and no amount of reasoning will enable you to find a reason for falling in love!

I once asked wendy "why is it that we call the whole of process of falling in love with someone "falling in love". Why falling?? Thats coz falling in love is a risk. a gamble with your heart. On the one hand you may fall in love and there will be someone at the other end to hold you..to love you back. But there's also the chance that you will fall and get hurt...that the other half who you think will be at the other end to hold you is holding on to another. not you!!! That is love. That is life. All of us may not be lucky enough to find and keep the love that our hearts yearn for. Yet that doesnt mean that it doesnt exist. It does! Just coz i couldnt find it doesnt mean its a lie.

oh and ofcourse the greatest lesson life taught me was that men and women are probably THE most incompatible species ever;) A man's mind will never work the way a woman's does! ever! period. the ones from mars are total idiots.period! they do idiotic things.period. they drive us venus residents insane. period. yet despite all their idiotic ways we still love them and we cant do without them..sad..but true;)

pink tshirts, straw hats, pearl necklaces and those "sweet" gestures of dropping you back home..a home situated at the other end of the world mind you, will allure me no more. It did. but that was when i was 21..now at 21 and 5 months i think differntly. I am different.

So to come back to my point..these past 5 months have shown me that not only all good things but all bad things too eventualy come to an end. Nothing goes on forever. To quote the words of one of my dearest friends "you wont smile forever and you wont cy forever! thats life pri. you have to face it"...the wisdom of those words are clear to me only now.

But its true. I smiled like never before..i truly lived up to my name..happyblue:) It was happiness all around. nothing could be more perfect. Yet like everything else it was a fleeting sense of happiness..it ended. it was the best time of my life. the happiest. In 21 years of existence i found real hapiness only in the last 5 months of my 20 years. Maybe i'll never feel it again..i dont know. For now i find it even impossible to believe that anyone other than that which made me smile can ever bring such happiness to life again..yet with life one never knows..

despite the fact that the past few months have truly opened my eyes to realities thus far unseen it has also probably been the hardest period in my 21 years of existence. Detaching myself from something that i cared soo much for was by the far the hardest decison i have ever made. It wasnt realy a decison..it was not even a matter of choice. It was forced on me. Life was unfair. the tears. the pain, the hurt, the confusion never grew any less despite the words of comfort given soo generously by all who realy loved and cared for me...nothing or noone could change how i felt...

in other words my life was not mine anymore..i had no control over it! and hated myself for that. I hated anyone controlling my life yet that in it self was out of my control! I was weak, feeble anything that seemed like hope was enough for me to cling on to. Then despite warnings from everyone i held onto another illusion...for me something was better than nothing.I continued to give. I fooled myself into believing that i was doing the right thing..that this was better..that it was a temporary consolation. I was wrong.

Today as i sit in front of my computer and type this i have finaly made a decision.

When i look back at all that has happened within the last few months i realize something that never struck me before. All these months i have let that which is now gone, take control of my life. I have let it control every part of my life..unknowingly ofcourse..yet it has.

but as my friend once told me...nothing lasts forever....

I realize now that my life is mine! no other mortal should have power to rule over me. I have had enough.

which is why i decided....that its time to let go.

I dont know how practical my decision will be. maybe tomorrow when i wake up i'll think otherwise. But for me tomorrows dont exist. its today that matter. I also realize that by holding onto something that is not mine i will only keep hurting my ownself. and is it worth it?? like i said before if something is meant to happen it will..and if it doesnt it was never meant to be. It was one of the hardest decisions i ever made to do what i did today..but i had to..coz you have to start at some point. All these months i have fooled myself into believing that i was trying..trying to forget and move on..trying to let go off something that once meant soo much to me..that maybe always will. But in reality i havent!! not one bit..

but today im fed up. I'm disappointed and exhausted. Its not that im fed up of caring or giving. I'm fed up of fooling my ownself. I'm fed up having no control over my life. I and I alone have made life hell for myself. and today I've had enough. which is why i decided to take the reins into my own hands. From here on i will dictate my life..the bat and ball will not rule.

Sometimes i wonder why i even made this decision...is it realy because im tired of being controlled by another, is it coz im disappointed that where love failed friendship failed too? is it that i want my life back? is it because i have stopped caring? is it coz all hope seems to have vanished? or is it a defense mechanism to save my self from a very obvious future occurence??

whatever the reason it is a decision i made and it was not an arbitrary one. It broke my heart to do what i did today. To see me myself turning someone who i cared for soo much at one point of life, into a virtual stranger. I broke the bridge.

One of my dad' s favourite songs suddenly came into my mind,,"memories dont live like people do..they always stay with you..whether they've been good or bad...."

I dont believe in burning, deleting or getting rid of all the little memories i have of that time when life was one big blue happy bubble...coz the memories in my mind cannot be erased or deleted as quickly. I only hope that with time i will be able to look back at them and smile...for all the happiness they brought. the memories.

Its time...its time to stop blaming others and move on. All these months i have tried to find a scapegoat and failed miserably! who can i blame? noone not even myself!

its time..time to pick up the pieces and move on..minus that which i will always miss...

someone once told me that God is a big guy and that he needs his own time to sort things out. I guess this is God's way of telling me that its time..

they say that when a door of happiness closes another always opens..at least a window..yet we are soo busy looking at the closed door that we forget to see the one opened to us. True. All i have been doing is looking on at that closed door...i havent seen the open one yet..maybe its not opened yet..maybe it never will...maybe it'll be just a window but my neck is tired of staring and staring at a fast vanishing illusion...its time.

There are no hard feelings.none whatsoever. the bitterness, the anger is gone. i feel nothing anymore. I know i will always care and that that which im letting go off will always hold a very fond place in my memories, in my heart and in my life.

Cricket has and always will be a very intergral part of all Sri Lankans. It is our identity. what we stand for..a huge part of our lives..as long as we are Sri Lankans cricket will always be synonymous with us.....

Life may have thrown some random curve balls at me. Yet despite all the hard times, the bitter moments, the countless tears and the horrible feelings life though me alot of things. Opened my pretty pink eyes to the reality of the world. It took 21 years and 5 months and a heart that i will always care for to teach me what life realy is. And for that i will be ever thankful...to life, to God and to that which God chose to show me life..and love.

I thank God for bringing into my life one of the nicest nicest people that i have ever met and will ever meet...a stranger who crossed my path so randomly yet created an eternal imprint. He will always be someone i look upto, i respect and trust.Always.

that which i once held soo dear, so special has to now be turned into a stranger..just another mere mortal..a passing ship in the ocean of life that happened to spend a fleeting few moments in the harbour of my life..there are no options..its not a matter of choice. Its inevitable. Its life.

Today i give up...God and time will do the rest.

I believe that time shall heal what reason cannot....

In the mean time go out and live your life for yourself. dont waste it like i have done for the past few months...but remember in a moment of confusion "just close your eyes and count from 1 to 10"....someone very dear to me told me that once....miss pri will always remember..

THE END.