It's another day...a brand new day and the start of a new week..almost a new month...yet even though the day is new it still feels very much the same.very much like the 30 days that have gone by..the 30 days in which i have missed so much..of everything that was at one point everything to me.
I have learnt to live without the things that i had got so accustomed to...the things that made my day...that made me smile..they are no more and they never will be...yet as they say life goes on!
I have stopped questioning...stopped asking "why". coz i see that there is no point in questioning about something that is now gone. There are certain things in life that are hard to accept...you cant understand why they had to happen...you try to figure it out..why life had to turn out like it did...but you cant..maybe you'll spend the rest of your life trying to figure it out and maybe you still wont.There are strange mysteries in life than can and will never be answered.
Everyone says "maybe it happend for the best"..maybe! but 30 days after i have still failed to see what the best could possibly be. maybe it's coz i refuse to see...coz im still silently holding on...refusing to accept that things are not what they were a month ago!
For the past month i have asked God for just one thing....but today its another prayer i bring before Him. I have never once asked Him to give me back what i lost coz i dont want it back..i dont....its something else that i want and God knows what it is...sometimes i wonder whether God has forgotten me...is ignoring me...
the day still feels empty...the mornings feel blank...life has lost its cheer. but i go on...pretending as if i'm missing nothing..that my happy old self is back..i wish the emptiness would go away...i guess i conceal it so well though that noone guesses that im still where i was exactly a month ago!
....All i wish is that God will hear my prayer today...that he will make today a tad different from yesterday...or maybe it'l be tomorrow....tomorrow....i dont know.
please keep that which I lost...happy...would that be possible God??
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
why:(
There are times when i dont understand my own self!! why is it that i still keep hoping for things which i know can never ever be??? why do i expect things from people who i know can never give me anything i want???why am i still so disappointed when things that i want dont turn out the way i want them to??why do i still keep waiting???why do i still keep thinking about things that i see no point in thinking about but still do think about???why do i still pray?? why do i still hope???why do i wish that i could turn back time..change things...???why do i keep wishing for things that i know there's no point in wishing for??? why are people for whom i am just another option, just another person ....still a priority in my life???why am i still giving them such a lot of importence in my life? why do i still care for those who dont give a shit about me??? why do i always keep wondering about them??about what they are doing??whether they are happy???what do i get by caring for people who just dont care????
why why why????
maybe that's who i am......an idiotic, stupid stupid stupid stupid girl who doesnt know what she's doing, whose holding on to things which dont belong to her, whose unable to let go.......whose tired and fed up of holding on yet has not the strength to let go!!! an idiot thats who i am!!!
i hate myself for what i am doing to my own self!!!!!!
i hate.....................everything!
why why why????
maybe that's who i am......an idiotic, stupid stupid stupid stupid girl who doesnt know what she's doing, whose holding on to things which dont belong to her, whose unable to let go.......whose tired and fed up of holding on yet has not the strength to let go!!! an idiot thats who i am!!!
i hate myself for what i am doing to my own self!!!!!!
i hate.....................everything!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Bubbles burst!
Have u ever felt that…..happiness? That completes total absolute happiness that engulfs your entire being and makes u feel that there can be no one happier than u in the entire world? That happiness that makes u feel that life couldn’t be more perfect than this? That happiness that u have always been looking for, that has always always eluded u and now finally is within your reach?? Well if u have then you’re very lucky. Ur lucky coz in your happiness, in that sweet little happy bubble that your floating around in ….your foolishness remains concealed. Reality is hidden.
In a way…it IS good! To float around in a happy little blue bubble, to ignore reality coz everyone around deserves that right, that chance to experience complete bliss even once in their lives.
You float….far far away…..higher and higher…..look down on those others who are striving to create a happy bubble for themselves and u say to yourself “what fools!! This is life and I am living it!!” but little do u know the irony, the naivety. The foolishness of your own words!
Because in your happiness….in that pretty little bubble u forgot one thing! You forgot…that all bubbles whether they are big, small, pretty, ugly, blue or pink…they all burst! ALL BUBBLES BURST!! Period! Ping! And they are gone…..and what happens to u? You…who were happily floating around without a care in the world??
You fall!!! Of course you do! You fall, fall, fall, fall, and fall…….and fall. The higher u were the worse the fall. U fall, u get hurt, maybe ……u break a limb. The worst thing that could happen to you is you’re paralyzed for life!! So what??Ur still aliveJ
And then u have two options….either u blame it on someone else. Hold someone else responsible for your fall! Ur foolishness. Ur mistake becomes someone else’s responsibility! Their fault!! But is that fair?? No one asked u to float so high! U did it!! And u did coz that is what WANTED to do!!!
Or u get up…….let the wounds heal. Thank god for the fall and u move on…u know you’ll never float again…u don’t want to!! No one wants to fall twice huh??
So…there are two roads ahead of u….this may not be the ideal time for u to decide which road to choose coz your hurt and in pain after that horrible horrible fall! But u have to chose and you've gotta do it fast! Either u blame someone else for your mistakes or u learn to from your mistakes and move on...
Maybe u might never experience that happiness again…but be thankful that at least u were given the chance to drift about in that happy blue bubble for the first and last time in your life. Be thankful for the memories…for the happiness…for the smiles. Not everyone is given that chance.
And welcome to the real world….the hard, bitter real world where happiness is an illusion! A naïve creation of a foolish mind which believes that happiness lasts forever. U may have gotten here a tad too late but u still got here! Welcome to reality where nothing and no one lasts forever!! And where great expectations more often that not lead to great disappointments.
Never ever ever place your happiness in the hands of another. For remember this is the real world and whether u like it or not u are here to stay!! And u are no VIP! The ground rules don’t change!!!!!
P.s – all bubbles burst. Even blue ones!
In a way…it IS good! To float around in a happy little blue bubble, to ignore reality coz everyone around deserves that right, that chance to experience complete bliss even once in their lives.
You float….far far away…..higher and higher…..look down on those others who are striving to create a happy bubble for themselves and u say to yourself “what fools!! This is life and I am living it!!” but little do u know the irony, the naivety. The foolishness of your own words!
Because in your happiness….in that pretty little bubble u forgot one thing! You forgot…that all bubbles whether they are big, small, pretty, ugly, blue or pink…they all burst! ALL BUBBLES BURST!! Period! Ping! And they are gone…..and what happens to u? You…who were happily floating around without a care in the world??
You fall!!! Of course you do! You fall, fall, fall, fall, and fall…….and fall. The higher u were the worse the fall. U fall, u get hurt, maybe ……u break a limb. The worst thing that could happen to you is you’re paralyzed for life!! So what??Ur still aliveJ
And then u have two options….either u blame it on someone else. Hold someone else responsible for your fall! Ur foolishness. Ur mistake becomes someone else’s responsibility! Their fault!! But is that fair?? No one asked u to float so high! U did it!! And u did coz that is what WANTED to do!!!
Or u get up…….let the wounds heal. Thank god for the fall and u move on…u know you’ll never float again…u don’t want to!! No one wants to fall twice huh??
So…there are two roads ahead of u….this may not be the ideal time for u to decide which road to choose coz your hurt and in pain after that horrible horrible fall! But u have to chose and you've gotta do it fast! Either u blame someone else for your mistakes or u learn to from your mistakes and move on...
Maybe u might never experience that happiness again…but be thankful that at least u were given the chance to drift about in that happy blue bubble for the first and last time in your life. Be thankful for the memories…for the happiness…for the smiles. Not everyone is given that chance.
And welcome to the real world….the hard, bitter real world where happiness is an illusion! A naïve creation of a foolish mind which believes that happiness lasts forever. U may have gotten here a tad too late but u still got here! Welcome to reality where nothing and no one lasts forever!! And where great expectations more often that not lead to great disappointments.
Never ever ever place your happiness in the hands of another. For remember this is the real world and whether u like it or not u are here to stay!! And u are no VIP! The ground rules don’t change!!!!!
P.s – all bubbles burst. Even blue ones!
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