Random thoughts

I do not know what to write. For the first time i have nothing to say..nothing to write about. my mind is blanking out and i know exactly why.

I made a resolution that i will not write anymore about that one depressing subject- But everything in a strange random way seems to end up at one destination.That one place where my mind refuses to wonder but where my heart still yearns to be.

Why does it have to be so hard? he's everywhere.

I pick up the papers, curl up in a nice cosy chair curious to know what the world is upto...and he's there! big, bright and bold!-

I switch on the tv.browse aimlessly looking for something that would interst me- and he's there! He of all people. its alomost as if the other 15 are non existent.

its as if the world is playing a nasty trick on me.

Here i am doing the best i can to get rid of the garbage of the last few months and the world just seems to love to rub it in my face. Make it all the more harder for me to forget.

its a nasty cruel world. A world that seems to love dangling him on a thread for me
to see. A world which seems to take great pleasure in shouting out" look its him!!! the one u had and dont have anymore. He's not yours! he'll never be yours'!!buhaaaaaa haaaaaaa JK!!!!!

There are times when i do regret what i did. When i think back on those times when he called me up for no apparent reason, when he chatted endlessly about his hunt for treasure land. The sense of regret creeps in when i realize that there'll be no more of that. I will miss it.I will miss him. I always will. But then again how much longer would it have continued for? maybe a year..two..but someday it would have had to end and i'm glad it ended now.The longer it dragged on for the more it would have hurt.---and thus i console myself---

A part of me questions my own thoughts? why do i still think about him when i myself made the decision that this would be the end? that he would no longer have a place in my life. If at all the only place would be in my memories..as a part of the past..

but here i am still thinking about him. Still missing him very very much. Still wishing that i could have been a part of his life.

sigh. I am human after all.

I sometimes wonder whether it is possible to ever completly forget someone who you once had very strong feelings for.

is it possible to ever truly forget the people we loved? will our hearts ever let go even when we ourselves our valiantly striving to bury the past, the memories and move on???

the heart rules after all...

But i am stronger!!!


Happy Blue:)

the sun will shine again.

I started this blog 3 months ago as a means of expressing the anger, pain and hurt that i was feeling all the time. Every post revolved around that one depressing subject. Him.

He was all i wrote about. He was all i thought about. He was everything. He hurt me and made me cry but still he was the nicest boy i ever knew. He made me happy too in a way that very few people ever have. He was not mine but i still continued to hold on to him refusing to let go and refusing to accept that i never meant anything more than a friend to him. He made that choice 3 months ago.

Today 3 months later i made a choice. A choice that I know will undoubtedly cause me a lot of pain and heartache but with time will prove to be the best choice after all. I burnt the broken bridge. I took the left turn and decided to travel alone.

He is no longer a friend. no longer a stranger. He is but a memory. a memory that from this day forward i will try to forget.

All these months i have felt like a failure. a disappointment. I have felt soo small and insignificant and worthless that there were times that i hated myself. I despised myself. I blamed myself for everything that happened. It was all my fault. I was the fool. I was the loser or so i convinced myself.

But I'm fed up of underestimating my own self and i realize today that i have more worth than that. I may have failed to win his heart but that does not make me a failure. After months of pain and hurt and feeling like one big disappointment today I feel proud of myself. I feel proud because i did something that i never thought i would be capable of doing proving once again that nothing in this world is impossible.

I do know that it is not going to be easy. There will be moments when i will regret what i did. I will feel sad and miserable. I will remember. I will miss him.

But yet from this point onwards i realize that there's no turning back. I burnt that broken bridge and it cant be built again. Its a thing of the past. A past that will not make its way to the future.

I do miss him very very much and maybe a part of me always will.

I sometimes wonder whether i will ever be able to care for anyone like that again. Whether there will be anyone who values that care. whether i will ever find someone who will love me and care for me and give me what he could not...

Today as i type this i feel that i have found something that has been missing in my life for a long time. peace. I feel free as if i was chained all these months and just manged to break away. Maybe I'll not feel the same tomorrow. i don't know. But for today I'm good. I feel free and at peace.

Shay was right. The rain stopped long ago but i was just refusing to come out of the closed room and enjoy the sunlight. After all the sun never stops shining does it??

This was probably the hardest decision i have ever made in my entire life. It took a lot of strength and will power to really let go and decide to move on. We see death as the hardest form of separation. But how much harder it is to say goodbye to someone alive..someone who you cared for..someone who at this very moment may not even remember that you exist...

Life has once again proved to me that nothing is impossible. No let me rephrase that. Nothing is impossible if you trust in God and have a few good friends to support you. To back you up when you feel like your failing. to hold your hand and gently whisper "you can do it". There are times when friends prove to be even better than family. I thank God from the bottom of my heart for blessing me with the best ever. I could never have made this decision on my own if not for their love, support and encouragement and mostly for making me feel that i do have worth after all. The decision was mine but i would never have had the courage or strength to see it through if not for three very special people.

And for him i have nothing else to wish for but that all happiness will be his and that he gets a chance to make his dream come true. I truly hope that luck will be on his side this time over and that history will not be soo cruel as to repeat itself and even if it does that there is someone by him to help him through. Coz tough and hard as he may be he needs that support...


Every night the only prayer that i brought before God was that He would work a miracle for me. A miracle that would transform my life and take away the pain and bring back peace.




I finally found my miracle....


Happy Blue:)

please God.....

the bird. the small room. the big hat. the bird.the bird. the bird.

are these memories only mine?
does he even remember.
does he miss any of it?NO

the answer is loud and clear. so so so very obvious that anyone who doesnt accept it is a big bloody fool!someone like me.

please God please end this. I dont care how you do it just please end this.
please...can you hear me God????

burn the broken bridge. burn it to ashes so that nothing remains. nothing. not even the memories.

let him go...let me live.

one wicket and a crossroad...

Shay always tells me that after the rain the sun always shines.always! but where is the sun i sometimes wonder. It has rained long enough.monsoon rains with stormy winds and rolling thunder. But the sun still seems to be hidden behind a cloud refusing to come out and shine again. Then again i wonder whether i myself am keeping the sun out? that is a possibility i tell myself since i have deprived my ownself of soo much these past few months.

Am i this weak?this helpless? this incapable to take the reins of my life into my own hands instead of letting the wickets control??

The wickets!! they are my weakness.

I was never this weak. This was not who i was. I was stronger than this. If i made a decision i stood by it.i never abandoned them and gave into any sort of weakness.

but who am i today??a sinking iceberg my friend tells me. do icebergs sink?? i'm more like a leaf blown around by strong winds. when the winds blow north the leaf drifts northwards. when the winds blow south the leaf drifts southwards. when the wind is still the leaf is still. the wind controls the little leaf. But one day the winds will be gone...and then what? what will the leaf do?will it stand stong and refuse to be blown away again or will it have decayed with the force of the winds?

how long more i ask myself everyday? how long more do i have to feel this pain and hurt. a pain and hurt which is a result of the love and care i gave so willingly to someone who cared not whether he received it or not. was that the mistake i made? why was it that i cared so much and never realized that he never cared? he didnt care for me.he didnt even care about the care i gave him. his love, his heart was elsewhere.

i'm fed up of this empty feeling that takes over my whole being at the most random moments ever. its like a constant feeling of nausea and you can never puke it out. it remains stuck somewhere in your body and nothing not even the best of friends can help you feel better.

It's like this feeling i get when we're on our way to N'Eliya on the hairpin bends in hatton when thathi drives realy fast and makes our stomaches whirl about. But there's a differnce. when thathi drives there's the assuarance that we are safe and that even though this particular stretch is rough our destination will compensate for all the nasty feelings and rough points.

but this feeling is not the same. I do not know when it will end. if it will ever end. there is no assuarance that after all the miserable feelings, the horrid days, the rough paths that i will end up in some serenly beautiful place where all is happy and at peace.

and once again on that hard, bumpy road which just keeps winding and winding, stretching on for miles on end i face a crossroad. which road do i take?

either way i do not know where i'm headed. if i turn right it would mean that i travel alone. without that which i still hold on to. burning the already broken bridge and leaving us as mere strangers. again it'll hurt me. the stranger will not even feel it.

if i turn left the stranger will travel with me. neither as a stranger or a friend. a strange bond that is of no use to either of us. he will travel on his own separate lane. I on my own. he knows where he's headed. a straight direct path. I on the other hand know not where i'm headed to. all i see is a long bumpy road stretching for miles on end. two lanes. two lives that will never travel together. again it'll hurt me. the stranger will not even feel it.

either way i end up being the loser. whatever turn i take il crash. i'll be the one hurting while he moves on regardless of whether i'm there or not.

he leaves in a few days to see his lifelong dream become a reality. my fingers are still crossed for him. my heart still hopes that he is blessed with the best,that God will not abandon him or disappoint him like last time.

how strange life is. i remember last time i even knew when he was cleaning his shoes and pasting stickers on that willow stick. this time i know nothing.

In a way i'm glad he'll be gone for awhile. maybe this messed upself can be put back in order. would 30 days be enough to do what 3 months couldnt do? i also know that when he comes back things will be different.in soo many ways. I may not even be a minute part of his life anymore. I may just be the girl he met at the match not the miss pri who let her whole life revolve around a wicket for 5 long months, not the miss pri who was there for him when ever he wanted her, not the miss pri who used to bug him that he slept too much. not ms pri. just plain old prianil!

its like a losing match...seven more runs with one ball remaining.impossible.

i lose.the wicket wins.

........

randoms

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. --

[ my favourite quote from "the holiday"--]