sigh!

the new week starts in a few more hours and i'm cracking even before it does. It's 6 p.m and i've come close to crying more times than I can count. The stress reminds me of the heartbreak of a few months ago simply because its making me want to crack and split into a million pieces under the pressure of something huge.Something I feel I can't get through. It's only a day though..a moment...and moments pass...I thought heartbreak would never pass- but it did..somewhat..i guess it never realy will completly. And if i got through that( at least partialy) i can get through a week of crap!

It just feels so imcomplete...i feel incomplete..inadequate.like a cow and i wish i had wings to just fly out of this shithole to better lands. Cows dont fly!

its like being lost in maze. like searching for the causes of WW1. unclear, baffling confusing! and never a proper concrete reason.always vague....distant.

Amidst the sulky mood i keep having this constant random thought..i dont knw why..and it scares me. Its funny how you come across people you cant live without, even for a few days. It's not that you cant..its more that you just dont want to. In a way i think that is all the more powerful.

But as all things you learn...to adjust..to live without them..if the circumstances necessitate it that is.

sigh..

I have so much work today..it sux. but then so does everyone else and the last thing I should be doing is wasting my time blogging. But dashing this out has made me feel..a bit more cheerful.

It's cool no how i write to work through my sulks??

I'm out of here. Dicatatorship and the isolationist policies of the US and the Soveit Union beckon me!

the unkindest cut

Realization strikes at the most random moments ever.Just like a little matchstick can start a bonfire one little random incident, insignificant..yes... helps you realize things that you may never have realized.

Yes i keep my mouth shut. But that doesnt mean i dont have feelings too. I do. Its just that I dont go around proclaiming them to the world and making an issue out of every little thing that doesnt go my way.I dont coz i dont! coz thats not me.

Just coz i keep shut does not mean every nasty thing can be hurled against me just coz everyone out there knows that i keep shut!!They just take it for granted that i'm there. just there. a wooden creature who doesnt feel, who cant understand. a stupid wooden woman! a lifeless, emotionless piece of wood that can never get hurt coz don't you know only people with feelings get hurt!! the wooden woman doesnt have those!

Yea thats what they all feel. thats what they all do.they just take your existence for granted..no not your existence...but the fact that you keep shut! the fact that they can treat you as they want, say what they want, be indifferent if they want and you dont mind!!! you dont mind coz you keep shut.Your silence is their weapon.

My silence doesnt mean that I'm not hurt..that i dont care..that whatever nasty things anyone may do and say i will still be nice to them at the end of the day!

i'm not a wooden woman.

i keep shut coz silence is more comforting...and its a fool who talks! a wise man only listens.
dont mistake my silence for a weakness..even if it is a weakness its not anyone's to exploit.
and sometimes i keep shut coz i dont want to lose something dear by opening my mouth and telling the world how much i despise the way they treat me.
they treat me like a wooden woman coz they know me too well dont they...they know she'll always keep shut!

their indifference hurts her...like the unkindest cut that sears through the soul.
They hurt her because they think they can. or maybe they dont! maybe...just maybe...its a way.........................