Dear Jack.

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May:)

Isn't May the most glorious month of the year??duh! the month starts with my birthday so is there a chance of it being anything other than glorious??hahahah=)

jokes apart..seriously its been a good month even tho it had a horrid start its been relatively calm and smooth and devoid of any intense drama! all the more glorious coz it was a month of holidays and doing nothing..and just chilling. sigh..wish i cud have done more blogging bt damn lazyness crept in and blog boy was neglected!

and now as all good things it has come to an end...and June is here:D oh dear June! the month of brides and weddings and what not. nothin of this for me though. just the start of a brand new semester. second year.second sem. jeez how time has flown. Its like yesterday when we all met for the first time..a bunch of strangers who would grow to be an amazing group of friends. i wish time wouldnt go so fast coz damn before we know it the 4 years will be over and i'll be out of uni..out there in the big world whcih is going to be half as fun as uni is.so time please freeze! coz i want to be in uni forever:D

so ya..like i was saying may has been good in soo many ways..there was a sense of dread in me to face this month particularly a couple of days in this month..coz for some strange reason alot happened in this very month last year. but all turned out well and may was just plain good:D nothing very dramatic or intense happend but soo much did happen as well.if i was to explain it in one line i would say that it was a month of rebilding and renewing old bonds.

in 30 days i managed to rebuild some of the most treasured bonds in my life. bonds broken in the course of a year, half a year, a month a few weeks.I havnt done anythng realy productive except snooze till ten o'clock in the morning but despite the excessive hours of sleep this month has also been enlightning in a strange way. It has given me time to look around carefully at something that i havnt realy had time for before. the people i love.within this month i've finaly realized who my true friends are. I've made a distinction between the people who i want in my life and those who i dont and i'm happy not coz of this great discovery but because i realize that i finaly have all the people i want and love with me. they are all there..a nice little compact group and i'm sorry but there's no room for anyone else.I'm happy with who i have and for now there are no more vacancies:D

There are things that i have realized about certain freinds that never occured to me before.I've realized that there are people who care for me more than i ever knew. People who i adore but who i never knew adore me in the same way.friends who i have missed and who have missed me in the same way..and i never knew..sigh..all nice revealations innit mate:D

so ya after a long time life feels complete..in an odd strange way..no more broken relationships with people that matter, nomore hard feelings or bitterness...i've realized that life is short..and life is not sbout burning bridges but building them.

proof enough that may was good??it was!! who knows what june will be like? but for now all is well indeed:D

there's just one thing i wish dearly i cud put right..coz it saddens me in a way that very few things do..sigh..i can only hope for the best and trust God to put it right for me..for those i love..

so my dear May..thank u for being a nice month..its been a pleasure to have u..please tell brother June to be as nice as u were:D

and life! i like u these days! coz for once ur behaving urself!:D

goodbye may:)
hello june:D

aney manda sarath- sigh!

sigh..i realize i sigh alot! isnt it pathetic when ur life reaches a stage when all you do is sigh! you sigh during the semester coz the work load is too much, you sigh during vacation coz its the one time of the year that gives you time to take a good long look at your own life and u sigh coz u realize there isnt much there anyway.sigh. all you do is sigh.

i wonder wether i'll sigh my life away..it'l be a life of sighs..nothing else.will it? well it heck does seem like that right now.

ok let me put it very simply. happiness and happy blue are not on very good terms these days..not at all..hence happiness has abandoned her and loneliness has befriended her. but i want happy to come back and lonely to go and that is where Blue's dilemma lies. she doesnt know how to do that:( it would seem pretty simple to an outsider maybe but its far from simple for me. I have searched for it everywhere. I have done things, undone them,done them again but nothing ever works. happy and i will never be friends again and no its not anyone's fault.

ok ok enough of all that dramatic shit.sometimes being lighthearted about a depressing thought makes it seem..hilarious! NOT!

sigh( see i told u).
sometimes people would wonder what i have to winge and sigh about. sometimes i wonder too. I have a comparatively good healthy life, a solid education to back me up, amazing friends, a supportive family, an O.K appearence and i'm basicaly a nice person.so what else could i possibly want..

its hard to answer that question. its actualy impossible. I have searched and not found an answer..its confusing and disturbing and sad. this is not how i wish to spend the rest of my life. Do all 22 year olds go thru a phase like this at some point or is it just me? am i just being over sensitive about everything and being the typical worrywart that i was born to be?
sigh..i dont know..i realy wish i did.all i do know is that there is something missing in my life rit now..like a huge gaping hole..as if a huge chunk of my soul has been cut away...that hole is empty and hollow and try as i may to fill it with busy days, excessive reading, stressful assignmnets and university at the end of the day when you lie down on ur bed the hole is just there.like it was.
empty, hollow, blank and lonely.

sigh.I have heard that you can be in a rooom full of people and still feel lonely. That's a random phrase that I have picked up from god-knows where and it has just randomly stuck on my mind coz i've always been intrigued as to how you can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. is that possible?yes it is.

how ever much you may try to run away from it that emptiness follows you. it goes everywhere you go. maybe the only time u feel you've realy chased it away is aftre you've downed a few vodkas with ur girls and reach that "happy" state where everyting seems nice and light and happy! but that again is an illusionary happiness and you wake up the next day and there it is just as it was, greeting you with a menacing smile which says"i'm here". sigh.

hahahah! sometimes its such a joke. I'm the one who goes around preaching to the world that positivity is the key to a happy life. I'm the one who keeps saying that everything in this world happens for a reason and that time will reveal that reason..i tell others to hang in there and chin up coz everything will be better soon, I told Di today that the bad mood she was in was just a moment..a fleeting moment that would be gone tomorrow,I'm the oh so wise one who tells ash that worrying over trivial things is not going to make matters better, I'm the one who reminds shay that the sun alaways shines after the rain.yes i do all of that.i'm happy blue and thats what happy people do. they spread the happiness.
so its a joke!! i'm incapble of handling my own life and its emptiness but i'm capable of uttering wise words of wisdom to others. a royal hypocrite. thats what i am!
no well not realy...just coz ur lost doesnt mean u cant reach out to another lost soul and help him/her to find there way back.I just wish i could find my way back too...

more that anything in this world i wish i could find that lost piece of my soul and fit it right back where it belongs..i have looked and searched and not found it. I know a part of it lies in the past..a past that i can never get back. a part of it lies with him..the "him" of last year. the him who i still havent forgotten.

i miss him and he doesnt know. i worry about him and he still doesnt know. sigh.did he ever know anything..sigh...thats one warped relationship i wish dearly i could put right.sigh.

sigh. ok i have lost sight of what i was saying. what was i saying??

hmmm something about the emptiness..the gaping hole.

sigh. which brings me back to it.
it just doesnt go away....its there huge as ever but invisble to all.

i'm tired of the power it has over my life..i'm tired of trying to take control of my life and failing, im tired of worrying and being miserable, i'm tired of missing people, im tired of being disappointed over and over agin. i'm tired..i'm just tired of living..and most of all im tired of this bloody blog post which should end now.

dramatic as this may sound i wish God would send me an angel who would find the missing part and help fill the gaping hole. a miracle that would bring back the happiness and drive away the loneliness, the emptiness in this happy blue heart.

miracles dont happen and angles dont exist.

sigh. such is life.

aney manda sarath only ithin...=)

H.B

irritated much!

I'm in a highly irritated mood and so I've decided that i'm going to write a list of things that irritates me and find out which one of those is the culprit this time! warning- this list contains highly offensive material- read on at ur own risk and remember this is a personal blog and i write what I wish to write! NOT what u wish to hear!

things that irritate me.

people who boast- about themselves, about what they have and what they do.

poeple who continuosly complaint and grumble about their lives. all our lives suck.period.u dont need to winge about it too much.

boys.

annoying girls.

girls who cant stop talking about their beauty and boys about their good looks.

rainy days.

vanilla-less iced coffee

fudgers

lazy people

aimless, jobless people.

boys who dont reply texts.

girls who annoy boys.

wannabes

FOBS! urrrgh!

people who do everything I do.

people who do not listen to what i say- (unfair)

people who stay calm when i get mad and make me feel like a cow for getting mad.

people who never get mad.

wet jeans

body odour

old smelly clothes

messy hair.

my brothers

people who disrupt my plans.

the too holy type

people with rigid principles

people who grumble constantly

silly people

soppy people.

soppy people.

silly people.

the heat.

attention seeking status updates

people who have a problem with the way i live.

people who have a problem with my moods.

people who have a problem with my silence.

too much light.

a boring book

clothes that look good but dont fit

bitches

fat boys

boys with layers of flesh around their tummies, arms and legs and face

headaches

anyone who messes with my sister

people who think that a man is their only priority in life.

know-it-alls

a hot stuffy bus.

people who do not know that there is something called Sri Lankan English and that it will soon become a standard variety.

wannabe snobs who are actualy nothing short of royal FOBS!

bah.g.aya.

thats it.

annoying rats!!!!

birthday blues

ha happy blue has hit 22! such an old hag dont u think and people still keep asking "no party?" party for what mate??to celebrate having reached almost a quarter century and still having not figured out her life or a party to celebrate 22 years of existence on this cursed soil??ok ok dont mean to be all neagtive and all but honestly this birthday has by far been the worst ever! "birthday blues"..i couldnt have put it any better.

its strange..i have always loved birthdays..mine especially..i believe in birthdays..in the beauty they hold.to imagine that so many years ago on a similar day a little bundle of flesh was born and how that little bundle of flesh has grown to be what he/she is today! amazing huh! birthdays are beautiful. i believe its that one special day which is all yours. A day when u are the centre of attention and everyone loves u more than other days..a day when long forgotten friends remember you..a heavenly day i would say.
but what was it this year than an absolute shithole!I just wanted to curl up and die and no its no exaggeration. it was awful the worst birthday in my entire life and no it had very little do with advancing an extra year and even less to do with the fact that at 22 i'm still searching for what i want to do with my life. No it had nothing do with anything but a lot to do with my own stubborness, stupidity, and extremely high expectations. After a year of disappointments u wonder whether I have still not learnt that life is one big disappointment after all.huh! no i havent! sigh. It was the first time I wished that everyone would just forget...but noone did and when i say noone i mean NOONE.sigh..

it sux..it truly did..but it wasnt a feeling that i could share with anyone..what sort of a bloddy spoilsport starts winging on her b'day! and gone are the days when i told the world what i was feeling anyway. I have realized thru trial and error that the world doesnt have answers for my problems. They lie within me but either i'm too stubborn or either i'm just plain dumb to figure them out for myself. sigh.

I have never felt that lonely or empty in my life ever..ok I may have..but for this year it was the first..it was awful.

why would i feel alone when noone forgot..NOONE..not even the very person who i thought would most obviusly forget.

na he remembered well enough..it wasnt that. it was the strangeness, the disappointment, the wierdity of it all that realy got to me.How strange is it when the very person who only a year ago on your last birthday called u up from a far away land,at the crack of dawn just to make sure that he would be the first to wish me on the morning of my birthday.To surprise u and make u happy. that's all. ya those were the words.

and this year...its been just a year.. 365 days..not a long time..how very different..how very strange..how very distant...its the distance that breaks my heart yet..a distance that i chose to keep. he didnt. he just went along with my choice. coz he's a good boy that's why. Try telling me otherwise and i'll kick ur ass and i mean it.

i guess i expected too much from him and that was wrong. it just left me disapointed and dampened my day. he gave what he could and without being the ungrateful little winger that I am i ought to be thankful that he at least cared enough..he always did..i know. and he still does..i know. but i just wish things were diffrent and I hadnt been that harsh on him.

the bottomline though is that he could never read me. and he never will be able to. poor keeper boy:(

no let me revise that. the bottomline is that aftre all these months he is still there..in my thoughts.every minute..every day... cliche`d as that may sound.despite all the damage control methods the truth nevertheless remains that i miss him very much and that what i felt about him then is still very much alive in this dumb broken heart of mine.

why did i have to fall that deep? what was he but an ordinary just-another-keeper boy! nothing more. but so much more...I fell so hard that still months later I have not been able to think of anyone else in that way. I dont want to. coz i'm not intersted anymore.I have shut my heart coz despite the heartbreak it still longs for that boy. noone else. Plus i'm convinced that love just breaks ur heart and i dont think mine could withstand another heartbreak.

i feel sorry for him...how much worse it must be for him I sometimes wonder...

sigh...I hope next year things will be different..wishful thinking..but the way life keeps changing I would like to believe that nothing is impossible.

disappointment, discontent, depression, heartbreak, loneliness and unhappiness have become a part of this happy blue life now.. such an oxymoron the name itself is no. sigh.

but i'm good coz sometimes its easier to just say that and get away rather than explain why ur not good! who would understand what i have to complain about. sometimes I myself dont.

there's a lot i dont understand...and if I meet God one day there's just one thing I have to ask him..why did u bring him into my life if U knew you were going to take him away God? why?"

I'll never know...

Happy birthday happy blue:)
I love u!

sigh!

the new week starts in a few more hours and i'm cracking even before it does. It's 6 p.m and i've come close to crying more times than I can count. The stress reminds me of the heartbreak of a few months ago simply because its making me want to crack and split into a million pieces under the pressure of something huge.Something I feel I can't get through. It's only a day though..a moment...and moments pass...I thought heartbreak would never pass- but it did..somewhat..i guess it never realy will completly. And if i got through that( at least partialy) i can get through a week of crap!

It just feels so imcomplete...i feel incomplete..inadequate.like a cow and i wish i had wings to just fly out of this shithole to better lands. Cows dont fly!

its like being lost in maze. like searching for the causes of WW1. unclear, baffling confusing! and never a proper concrete reason.always vague....distant.

Amidst the sulky mood i keep having this constant random thought..i dont knw why..and it scares me. Its funny how you come across people you cant live without, even for a few days. It's not that you cant..its more that you just dont want to. In a way i think that is all the more powerful.

But as all things you learn...to adjust..to live without them..if the circumstances necessitate it that is.

sigh..

I have so much work today..it sux. but then so does everyone else and the last thing I should be doing is wasting my time blogging. But dashing this out has made me feel..a bit more cheerful.

It's cool no how i write to work through my sulks??

I'm out of here. Dicatatorship and the isolationist policies of the US and the Soveit Union beckon me!

the unkindest cut

Realization strikes at the most random moments ever.Just like a little matchstick can start a bonfire one little random incident, insignificant..yes... helps you realize things that you may never have realized.

Yes i keep my mouth shut. But that doesnt mean i dont have feelings too. I do. Its just that I dont go around proclaiming them to the world and making an issue out of every little thing that doesnt go my way.I dont coz i dont! coz thats not me.

Just coz i keep shut does not mean every nasty thing can be hurled against me just coz everyone out there knows that i keep shut!!They just take it for granted that i'm there. just there. a wooden creature who doesnt feel, who cant understand. a stupid wooden woman! a lifeless, emotionless piece of wood that can never get hurt coz don't you know only people with feelings get hurt!! the wooden woman doesnt have those!

Yea thats what they all feel. thats what they all do.they just take your existence for granted..no not your existence...but the fact that you keep shut! the fact that they can treat you as they want, say what they want, be indifferent if they want and you dont mind!!! you dont mind coz you keep shut.Your silence is their weapon.

My silence doesnt mean that I'm not hurt..that i dont care..that whatever nasty things anyone may do and say i will still be nice to them at the end of the day!

i'm not a wooden woman.

i keep shut coz silence is more comforting...and its a fool who talks! a wise man only listens.
dont mistake my silence for a weakness..even if it is a weakness its not anyone's to exploit.
and sometimes i keep shut coz i dont want to lose something dear by opening my mouth and telling the world how much i despise the way they treat me.
they treat me like a wooden woman coz they know me too well dont they...they know she'll always keep shut!

their indifference hurts her...like the unkindest cut that sears through the soul.
They hurt her because they think they can. or maybe they dont! maybe...just maybe...its a way.........................

Why question it when your heart knows?
what does your heart know
i sometimes wonder...
does it know the truth..
the truth..which may even be a lie in diguise.
a lie very cleverly embedded in you
that it has now become a truth
and that is how it should stay.
who says lies cant be turned into truths
just coz i dont talk about it
doesnt mean its any less a truth
or anymore a lie..
why write about it then..
in a bid to discover the truth you say
the truth..hidden beneath a layer of falsehood..
the lie that makes me happy
the truth that hurts me.
the lie or the truth?
i choose none.

random

I was in a real shithole yesterday.stressed out over the presentation..stressed out over life as a whole..the outrageous number of things i have to do within the next 30 days just completly freaks me out and thus everytime i think about it all i tell myself is "you cant do it"!!how could i possibly handle all that shit??ya ya its a lame attitude and completly contradicts my motto for 2010:"dont cross unnecessary bridges before you get to them"! well i have clearly crossed more bridges than i may even have to cross in reality and it leaves me with this hopeless feeling of inadequacy,depression, stress and an overall feeling of just giving up!! and for the first time its completly divorced from that one innocent soul( NOT) who eventualy becomes the scapegoat for all my bad moods and bouts of depression!! hahaha! good for him:P oh well he probably has a minute role to play in it..probably fits in somewhere..lol!

Oh well anyway to get back to my little narration...i was in a realy crappy situation yesterday..you know that feeling you get when your brain just refuses to do anymore..it feels like your brain's dead..blank and empty and ofcourse you feel like some retard fallen from space incapable of handling anything at all leave alone Alexander Pope!!
I hate that feeling..and it always seems to envelope me at the most crucial times ever when the last thing i need to do is sit around mourning and winging about the pathetic state of my happy blue life and how unfair and cruel life has been to me! well in reality its hasnt necessarily been so.oh life hasnt been all that nice but then again is there anyone life has been nice to??life's a shithole! if u need to survive learn to swim among the shit!! yucks that's a gross image aint it:P anyways my point is..i cant complain too much..life has been nice to me for a greater part of my life and i'm not complaining! oh well if kaushi thinks i'm nice then life must be thinking the same too no:P

ok ok digression...what was i saying??...ohh ya..so yesterday was one of those many horrible days i exerience on almost a weekly basis these days..it was just wierd...in a wierdly awful way!
i can be a pretty demanding person at times..ok but in all fairness i'm demanding but in a reasonable way ok! i dont expect my already stressed out friends , bombarded with their own personal problems to be there at every crappy, soppy, dumb,lame moment in my life! I realy think that the most unfair thing that people do to others is to dump their shit and crap and expect the other to carry it for them. Ok so not like i'm the all fair soul at all times! but i try ok..lol!

but yesterday i couldnt.( at least yesterday i thought so)So who was to be my garbage can??after a good few minutes of speculation i decide to opt for the one friend i thot would be the least stressed! or rather the one friend who can be stressed to glory but still manage to claim that life is "just fantastic"!!

so i type a text to shay and say...luk mate my life sux! its devoid of everything..it sux! there's nuthn there!!please help.

and i wait...and wait..and wait..and then sleep creeps in..takes me captive and so the story goes...

ofcourse i'm naturaly pissed off...the one person i turned to didnt even bother to reply my text! so forget it! that's the last time shay gets it from me!LOL!

anyways...the day rolls on...a nice fine day..nailed the presentation..hopefully aced it..the little breakdown..the lame breakdown of the previous night completly forgoten..gotten over it completly! a positive pri:)

so i come home..chillax and start working on Wordsworth when that dear old friend from yesterday( NOT) decides to call me..in response to last nights text now ok!:P

ofcourse as shay always says me and my random bizarre conclusions so i pick up the phone use my most haughty sarcastic voice ever and say: " oh well your a fine friend! had i been on my deathbed and sent u a text saying i was dying u would have probably called to check on me when i was in my grave or being cremated no!!!" pffft!!!!!

ofcourse its shay..never takes offence..never gets pissed of when i do..and in typical shay fashion goes "so how are u now??"

im doing great!!!!splendid! fabulous!like u care! ( ok by this time of the day i was actualy feeling good so it wasnt a whole act!)

"see exactly my point" shay replies..."you got through whatever difficulty you were going through on your own!and that's what i wanted you to learn..that you dont need to depend on other people at all times..that you are stronger than you think you are..and that you are capable of handling whatever crap life throws your way! you can do it on your own! and be proud of yourself that you got through in on your own! you helped yourself and there's no better person to help you than yourself!!"

:) what could i possibly say in my defence..why would i have to say anything in my defenece when i knew very well that shay as always had shown me what i had never seen thus far!

you are the master of your soul!! there's nothing you cant achieve and nothing can put you down if you are determined enough to fight the odds, brave the storm and be the winner! "even if you lose, lose like a winner!"


how bad can the month ahead possibly be eh??
thanx shay..:)

well in conclusion the point of this whole boring narration was mwrely to prove...Woolf's concept of the stream of consciousness!! dont ask me why! ask your self!!!it shud be as clear as crytsal:P!! BUWAAAAAHAAAAAAA=))

H.B:)

Coffee beans and tea leaves!

It's that time of the year..reminiscence of coffee beans and tea leaves come drifting into the mind amidst Pope and essays on criticisms!.It's that time of the year when you look back with a smile, a smile tinted in shades of sadness and think "those were the times"...they were the times. the times of coffee beans and tea leaves!

Coffee and tea brewed together to create chaos. so strong was the coffee.and the tea that its flavor refuses to leave the soul..the memory. What remains now is nothing but the dregs of the leaves and the beans...the coffee and tea have seeped out.but the beans and the leaves still remain.

coffee and tea give an unusual glow to the usual. when the coffee and tea are drained away the glow goes its own way too..

"check it out...."..."OMG! does it hurt?"

a year is all that it has taken to brew coffee and tea separately. but wait..
are coffee and tea ever brewed together?? yes i thought so!

Coffee beans and tea leaves...what remains now are simply the beans and the leaves...
i remember what others forget. bless me for that:)

missing u kay....

I miss u!! there i said it out aloud! and no it doesnt make me feel any better!
its strange how i miss u everytime something's not going right in my life..i miss u when im stressed out and when i'm stuck!
i guess its coz that even in the short time u were around u helped to make things better in ur own dumb way! sigh!
but this time i'm not missing you coz i'v messed up life on this side of the planet..i'm missing you coz i'm worried about u!!
things dont seem to be going all that well at ur end..ur struggling and i know its getting to you or u wudnt express it openly.
sigh..i wish there was someway i could help u..not like it would realy help u but at least i would have liked to do something for u! no that sounds lame! i dont know why i want to help u! i just want to help u!!!
i remember u saying those very same words once when u were in banga and things were all crappy! i rememeber coz i was there with u then...i know i helped u out of it..and u paid me back with pearls!! PRIANIL STOP BEING MEAN!!!
i'm sorry i didnt mean it like that...
sigh! i wish there was something i could do to make u feel better. the fact that i can do nothing, that i'm soo helpless that i cant raise the spirits of someone who was soo close to my heart..realy realy sux!!
i have never felt this helpless before...
but i cannot go against my word..i have to stick by the decision i took...
it is only at times like this that i regret ever writing that letter..if not things may have been different! awful for me coz i wud have continued to remain a nobody in ur life.
ur option..my priority!
and sometimes i wonder whether at times like this..u feel like talking to miss pri..do u miss her?? do u even remember her?? does it even matter? did it ever??
for the first time in a long time and maybe for the last time in a long time too..i just wish u wud do that...

i'm sorry thrs nothing i can do for u nidikumbz..u once told me that i helped u out when ever u were in a bad mood..i'm soory i cant do that anymore..

i can only pray that God will bless u with what u want most right now...and i hope u know that miss pri will always be there for her cowboy always!

i miss u..:(
play well...

Soulmates

The word "soulmate" has always held a charm of its own for me. Strangely enough i realized that everytime i think of a "soulmate" i associate it with romance or love. Is it just the hopelesss romantic side of me coming to the forefront or does the connotation of the word soulmate actualy relate purely to love and romance?
In instances like this it must be said that the Oxford dictionary is absolutely inadequate!! It defines soulmate as "a person idealy suited to one another". Like we so didnt know that:P But this definition once again relates it almost immediately to notions of romantic love and the "other person" invariably becomes a husband or lover.( at least that is how i see it)

Not satisfied with the oxford definition of "soulmate" i decided to do a google search and for my luck i found exactly what i was looking for!!

The term soulmate is defined in one particular website "as a word used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy , sexuality and/or compatibility." Soul mates can have various types of relationships, which do not always include romantic love. They can be close friends, co-workers, a teacher, anyone who influences your life one way or another. They play the emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental, games of third dimension with you. They can affect relationships in a positive or negative way depending on the emotional issues of the people concerned.". It further goes to say that you feel closer to certain souls, because you have attracted them into your life as they are on the same frequency as you or because you want to work out issues with them!!

What actualy got me thinking about this particular subject were two things. One was the fact that i have recently developed the habit of continualy analysing the relationships that i have with the people around me. It amazes me as to how close i have grown to some people im my life. People who before i met them i never even knew existed or even if i did never even imagined would turn out to be my closest confidantes. It's strange how virtual strangers cross our paths, enter our lives and become so much a part of us that it comes to a point when you wonder how you ever got on with life without them! What amazes me most is how with some people you feel this almost instantaneous bond, you reach a comfort level that you may not even have reached with your oldest friend. You feel as if you've known each other forever. Its an unexplainable feeling but its almost as if you've found a long lost friend.

The second thing that got me thinking about the concept of soulmates was a discussion i had with one of my buddhist friends regarding karma. Even though being a fervent catholic myself i strangely believ in the concept of karma and rebirth as opposed to the christian belief of heaven.The concept of rebirth where our souls take the form of another life after death seems more probable to me than the christian belief that the soul finds eternal rest in heaven.

After a discussion on karma and how we carry it on to our next lives as preached in Buddhism , I came to the conclsion that karma, rebirth and soulmates are interlinked. It finaly provided an answer to many of my questions like why we are instantaneously attracted to certain people and likwise why we take an almost instant dilike to others.

I believe that when our human bodies die our soul travels into another sphere and is thus reborn as another being- be it human or animal- depending on the karma of our previous birth! My friend also enlightened me that its not only the bad karma that follows us to our next birth but also the good karma or the results of our good actions here on earth. So where does the concept of soulmates fit in then?

I believe and this is purely my assumption, that we feel closer to certain people more than others because its a bond we carry on from our previous births. It may sound silly or somewhat unbelievable but i do believ that certain people whom we share close bonds with are souls with whom we shared a close affinty in some manner in our past lives.

It could also be that you feel closer to certain souls, because you have attracted them into your life as they are on the same frequency as you or because you want to work out issues with them.

It now makes sense that I feel closer to some people and take an almost instant dislike to some. Their just not on the same frequency as I am!!:P

Its strange when you think about it eh? But it actualy makes alot of sense to this confused self who despite having a million other things to focus her attention on is constantly perplexed by the strangeness of certain relationships.

Its amazing how we seem to "click" with certain people depite having a multitude of differences. Its amazing how these strangers become an indispensable part of our lives.

I'm now convinced that the concept of "soulmates" cannot be merely restricted to the sphere of romantic love. Ofcourse some of us are lucky enough to find our soulmates in our lovers and husbands while some others may find their's in their best friend, in their ex lovers , their siblings or even for that matter in a mentor like a teacher or an elder.

Its not just love that binds two souls together. its friendship,intimacy and a deep natural affinity to each other. It's the stuff that soulmates are made up of:)

"Soul mates can bring out the best and worst in each other, depending on their issues, and often no matter how hard someone tries to hold on and help, the lesson is to let go. "- that explains alot doesnt it"!

Good luck finding your soulmate/s:)

Love - Kahlil Gibran

When love beckons to you, follow him,
though his ways are hard and steep.
and when his wings enfold you yield to him,
though the swords hidden among his pinions may wound you.
and when he speaks to you believe in him,
though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
si shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
he threshes you to make you naked.
he sifts you to free you from your husks.
he grinds you to whiteness.
he kneads you until you are pliant;
and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would be possessed;
for love is sufficient unto love.

and think not that you can direct the course of love,
for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
to know the pain of too much tenderness.
to be wounded by your own understanding of love;
and to bleed willingly and joyfully.
to wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
to return home at eventide with gratitude;
and then go to sleep with a prayer for your beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

2010:)

Dear blog

It's been ages eh..im kinda bored with you now! i mean i have nothing more to say, no more depressing thoughts, no more K!!

anyways i thought i should make use of you to write down my new year resolutions. I'm all enthusiastic about the new year at the moment but thats coz its new and we all know that new brooms sweep well! LOL! so just in case somewhere down the line i forget my resolutions "jodaykelle@blogspot.com" will be there to remind me of what i ought to remember. so here goes..

resolution no 1- reduce consumption of coke!

resolution no 2- DO NOT FALL IN LOVE

resolution no 3- will not let my life revolve around anyone however nice they may be!

resolution no 4- be happy

resolution no 5- doing alot of extra reading for uni

resolution no 6- find at least 3 new friends

resolution no 7- dare to do something different:)

hmmm thats about it. its quite an interesting list i think. i do hope that i will be able to stick to it. especialy to no 2!!!

I sometimes wonder what surprises 2010 will hold for me. at the beginning of 2009 i never expected that soo much would happen. that my life would change in soo many ways. I do know that there'll be many to come.the good and the bad! but this time i'm prepared for what ever may come my way. thats the difference between the pri of 2009 and the pri of 2010! I know that this year im not going to make the same mistakes i made last year. I will make new ones and learn from them but never repeat the old ones!

I'm not oblivious to the fact that people will drift apart from me this year as well. That's life. people drift apart. a precious few remain. They are your true friends and they are the only people i have room for in my life this year.

Selfish as this may sound, this year I have decided that i will not let my life revolve around anyone but myself!!! Cos the one person who i can totaly depend on is prinny and she's all that matters to me! And i do sincerely hope that noone lets their lives revolve around me either coz jeez thats gonna be a disaster indeed!!

Last year I was foolish enough to depend on another for happiness. Today i realize that one's happiness depends on one's self! It is only you who can decide whether your going to move on with life, enjoy the good things, count ur blessings and make the most of everything life has to give you! OR stay stuck in your own misery, stubbornly refusing to move on. Human beings are soo fickle, and vulnerable thats its not fair of us to rely on them for our happiness. If someone lets you down its not their fault after all. they are just being human. I wouldnt want anyone placing their happiness in my hands coz i know that i could never live up to their expecatations. It was a pity that i expected soo much from one person. it was all i knew at the time...

I made a lot of mistakes last year. Being too nice was one of them. Not listening to Wendy was another! But amidst all the mistakes i made one wise decision. It was probably the hardest decision i ever made but today if theres one thing i'm glad about its that i took that one step to drift apart and not hold on to something that was never mine to begin with. It broke my heart to burn the broken bridge but today happy blue is back coz I took the initiative to do it.:)

I do miss him at times. i guess in a way i always will. The anger and bitterness that i once had towards him is now no more. it dissolved with the new year. I buried the past. I realize now, that after all he never did anything so wrong that i need to harbour resentment against him for the rest of my life. He made a mistake. So did i! It was noones mistake. It was just the way things were meant to be. He will always have a very fond place in my heart coz deep inside i know that he will always be one of the nicest boys i have ever met. The pearls will always be a reminder. I do sincerely hope that 2010 will be an year of opportunities for him. He has remained on the bench long enough..carried far too many water bottles and just like everyone else he deserves to have his dream come true too. I do hope that luck will be on his side and that he'll make it to the squad soon.

My life or my happiness no longer revolves around you K...i miss you.

For the first time in a long time i'm realy realy happy! and i do hope that this happiness lasts. I feel free and the pain of the past seems to have vanished almost completly. I have finaly found the peace that i was looking for soo desparately. Happy Blue is back:)

Nothing in life comes easy. there's a price you have to pay for everything.Things have to be given up..goodbyes must be said. Nothing worth the having can be won without a tear:)

The one good thing that happend to me last year was that i met the most AMAZING bunch of friends ever. The friends i made last year are probably the best i have ever made! and something tells me that they are not the kind who will drift apart. Some of my strongest bonds were formed last year..those bonds are what have helped me survive. They brought happy blue back:)

Today as i write this i feel happy and content..I no longer feel lost, lonely and empty.

2010 has a lot to offer. new hopes, new dreams, new goals.

This year i will not let anyone steal my happinesss from me. I've promised myself that!!!

bring it on 2010...happy blue cant wait to see what surprises you have for her!

P.s- geez i hope santa doesnt plan on having any tea parties for his raindeer mates and invite me too! GEEZ LOUISE:P lol:)