aney manda sarath- sigh!

sigh..i realize i sigh alot! isnt it pathetic when ur life reaches a stage when all you do is sigh! you sigh during the semester coz the work load is too much, you sigh during vacation coz its the one time of the year that gives you time to take a good long look at your own life and u sigh coz u realize there isnt much there anyway.sigh. all you do is sigh.

i wonder wether i'll sigh my life away..it'l be a life of sighs..nothing else.will it? well it heck does seem like that right now.

ok let me put it very simply. happiness and happy blue are not on very good terms these days..not at all..hence happiness has abandoned her and loneliness has befriended her. but i want happy to come back and lonely to go and that is where Blue's dilemma lies. she doesnt know how to do that:( it would seem pretty simple to an outsider maybe but its far from simple for me. I have searched for it everywhere. I have done things, undone them,done them again but nothing ever works. happy and i will never be friends again and no its not anyone's fault.

ok ok enough of all that dramatic shit.sometimes being lighthearted about a depressing thought makes it seem..hilarious! NOT!

sigh( see i told u).
sometimes people would wonder what i have to winge and sigh about. sometimes i wonder too. I have a comparatively good healthy life, a solid education to back me up, amazing friends, a supportive family, an O.K appearence and i'm basicaly a nice person.so what else could i possibly want..

its hard to answer that question. its actualy impossible. I have searched and not found an answer..its confusing and disturbing and sad. this is not how i wish to spend the rest of my life. Do all 22 year olds go thru a phase like this at some point or is it just me? am i just being over sensitive about everything and being the typical worrywart that i was born to be?
sigh..i dont know..i realy wish i did.all i do know is that there is something missing in my life rit now..like a huge gaping hole..as if a huge chunk of my soul has been cut away...that hole is empty and hollow and try as i may to fill it with busy days, excessive reading, stressful assignmnets and university at the end of the day when you lie down on ur bed the hole is just there.like it was.
empty, hollow, blank and lonely.

sigh.I have heard that you can be in a rooom full of people and still feel lonely. That's a random phrase that I have picked up from god-knows where and it has just randomly stuck on my mind coz i've always been intrigued as to how you can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. is that possible?yes it is.

how ever much you may try to run away from it that emptiness follows you. it goes everywhere you go. maybe the only time u feel you've realy chased it away is aftre you've downed a few vodkas with ur girls and reach that "happy" state where everyting seems nice and light and happy! but that again is an illusionary happiness and you wake up the next day and there it is just as it was, greeting you with a menacing smile which says"i'm here". sigh.

hahahah! sometimes its such a joke. I'm the one who goes around preaching to the world that positivity is the key to a happy life. I'm the one who keeps saying that everything in this world happens for a reason and that time will reveal that reason..i tell others to hang in there and chin up coz everything will be better soon, I told Di today that the bad mood she was in was just a moment..a fleeting moment that would be gone tomorrow,I'm the oh so wise one who tells ash that worrying over trivial things is not going to make matters better, I'm the one who reminds shay that the sun alaways shines after the rain.yes i do all of that.i'm happy blue and thats what happy people do. they spread the happiness.
so its a joke!! i'm incapble of handling my own life and its emptiness but i'm capable of uttering wise words of wisdom to others. a royal hypocrite. thats what i am!
no well not realy...just coz ur lost doesnt mean u cant reach out to another lost soul and help him/her to find there way back.I just wish i could find my way back too...

more that anything in this world i wish i could find that lost piece of my soul and fit it right back where it belongs..i have looked and searched and not found it. I know a part of it lies in the past..a past that i can never get back. a part of it lies with him..the "him" of last year. the him who i still havent forgotten.

i miss him and he doesnt know. i worry about him and he still doesnt know. sigh.did he ever know anything..sigh...thats one warped relationship i wish dearly i could put right.sigh.

sigh. ok i have lost sight of what i was saying. what was i saying??

hmmm something about the emptiness..the gaping hole.

sigh. which brings me back to it.
it just doesnt go away....its there huge as ever but invisble to all.

i'm tired of the power it has over my life..i'm tired of trying to take control of my life and failing, im tired of worrying and being miserable, i'm tired of missing people, im tired of being disappointed over and over agin. i'm tired..i'm just tired of living..and most of all im tired of this bloody blog post which should end now.

dramatic as this may sound i wish God would send me an angel who would find the missing part and help fill the gaping hole. a miracle that would bring back the happiness and drive away the loneliness, the emptiness in this happy blue heart.

miracles dont happen and angles dont exist.

sigh. such is life.

aney manda sarath only ithin...=)

H.B