birthday blues

ha happy blue has hit 22! such an old hag dont u think and people still keep asking "no party?" party for what mate??to celebrate having reached almost a quarter century and still having not figured out her life or a party to celebrate 22 years of existence on this cursed soil??ok ok dont mean to be all neagtive and all but honestly this birthday has by far been the worst ever! "birthday blues"..i couldnt have put it any better.

its strange..i have always loved birthdays..mine especially..i believe in birthdays..in the beauty they hold.to imagine that so many years ago on a similar day a little bundle of flesh was born and how that little bundle of flesh has grown to be what he/she is today! amazing huh! birthdays are beautiful. i believe its that one special day which is all yours. A day when u are the centre of attention and everyone loves u more than other days..a day when long forgotten friends remember you..a heavenly day i would say.
but what was it this year than an absolute shithole!I just wanted to curl up and die and no its no exaggeration. it was awful the worst birthday in my entire life and no it had very little do with advancing an extra year and even less to do with the fact that at 22 i'm still searching for what i want to do with my life. No it had nothing do with anything but a lot to do with my own stubborness, stupidity, and extremely high expectations. After a year of disappointments u wonder whether I have still not learnt that life is one big disappointment after all.huh! no i havent! sigh. It was the first time I wished that everyone would just forget...but noone did and when i say noone i mean NOONE.sigh..

it sux..it truly did..but it wasnt a feeling that i could share with anyone..what sort of a bloddy spoilsport starts winging on her b'day! and gone are the days when i told the world what i was feeling anyway. I have realized thru trial and error that the world doesnt have answers for my problems. They lie within me but either i'm too stubborn or either i'm just plain dumb to figure them out for myself. sigh.

I have never felt that lonely or empty in my life ever..ok I may have..but for this year it was the first..it was awful.

why would i feel alone when noone forgot..NOONE..not even the very person who i thought would most obviusly forget.

na he remembered well enough..it wasnt that. it was the strangeness, the disappointment, the wierdity of it all that realy got to me.How strange is it when the very person who only a year ago on your last birthday called u up from a far away land,at the crack of dawn just to make sure that he would be the first to wish me on the morning of my birthday.To surprise u and make u happy. that's all. ya those were the words.

and this year...its been just a year.. 365 days..not a long time..how very different..how very strange..how very distant...its the distance that breaks my heart yet..a distance that i chose to keep. he didnt. he just went along with my choice. coz he's a good boy that's why. Try telling me otherwise and i'll kick ur ass and i mean it.

i guess i expected too much from him and that was wrong. it just left me disapointed and dampened my day. he gave what he could and without being the ungrateful little winger that I am i ought to be thankful that he at least cared enough..he always did..i know. and he still does..i know. but i just wish things were diffrent and I hadnt been that harsh on him.

the bottomline though is that he could never read me. and he never will be able to. poor keeper boy:(

no let me revise that. the bottomline is that aftre all these months he is still there..in my thoughts.every minute..every day... cliche`d as that may sound.despite all the damage control methods the truth nevertheless remains that i miss him very much and that what i felt about him then is still very much alive in this dumb broken heart of mine.

why did i have to fall that deep? what was he but an ordinary just-another-keeper boy! nothing more. but so much more...I fell so hard that still months later I have not been able to think of anyone else in that way. I dont want to. coz i'm not intersted anymore.I have shut my heart coz despite the heartbreak it still longs for that boy. noone else. Plus i'm convinced that love just breaks ur heart and i dont think mine could withstand another heartbreak.

i feel sorry for him...how much worse it must be for him I sometimes wonder...

sigh...I hope next year things will be different..wishful thinking..but the way life keeps changing I would like to believe that nothing is impossible.

disappointment, discontent, depression, heartbreak, loneliness and unhappiness have become a part of this happy blue life now.. such an oxymoron the name itself is no. sigh.

but i'm good coz sometimes its easier to just say that and get away rather than explain why ur not good! who would understand what i have to complain about. sometimes I myself dont.

there's a lot i dont understand...and if I meet God one day there's just one thing I have to ask him..why did u bring him into my life if U knew you were going to take him away God? why?"

I'll never know...

Happy birthday happy blue:)
I love u!