Isn't May the most glorious month of the year??duh! the month starts with my birthday so is there a chance of it being anything other than glorious??hahahah=)
jokes apart..seriously its been a good month even tho it had a horrid start its been relatively calm and smooth and devoid of any intense drama! all the more glorious coz it was a month of holidays and doing nothing..and just chilling. sigh..wish i cud have done more blogging bt damn lazyness crept in and blog boy was neglected!
and now as all good things it has come to an end...and June is here:D oh dear June! the month of brides and weddings and what not. nothin of this for me though. just the start of a brand new semester. second year.second sem. jeez how time has flown. Its like yesterday when we all met for the first time..a bunch of strangers who would grow to be an amazing group of friends. i wish time wouldnt go so fast coz damn before we know it the 4 years will be over and i'll be out of uni..out there in the big world whcih is going to be half as fun as uni is.so time please freeze! coz i want to be in uni forever:D
so ya..like i was saying may has been good in soo many ways..there was a sense of dread in me to face this month particularly a couple of days in this month..coz for some strange reason alot happened in this very month last year. but all turned out well and may was just plain good:D nothing very dramatic or intense happend but soo much did happen as well.if i was to explain it in one line i would say that it was a month of rebilding and renewing old bonds.
in 30 days i managed to rebuild some of the most treasured bonds in my life. bonds broken in the course of a year, half a year, a month a few weeks.I havnt done anythng realy productive except snooze till ten o'clock in the morning but despite the excessive hours of sleep this month has also been enlightning in a strange way. It has given me time to look around carefully at something that i havnt realy had time for before. the people i love.within this month i've finaly realized who my true friends are. I've made a distinction between the people who i want in my life and those who i dont and i'm happy not coz of this great discovery but because i realize that i finaly have all the people i want and love with me. they are all there..a nice little compact group and i'm sorry but there's no room for anyone else.I'm happy with who i have and for now there are no more vacancies:D
There are things that i have realized about certain freinds that never occured to me before.I've realized that there are people who care for me more than i ever knew. People who i adore but who i never knew adore me in the same way.friends who i have missed and who have missed me in the same way..and i never knew..sigh..all nice revealations innit mate:D
so ya after a long time life feels complete..in an odd strange way..no more broken relationships with people that matter, nomore hard feelings or bitterness...i've realized that life is short..and life is not sbout burning bridges but building them.
proof enough that may was good??it was!! who knows what june will be like? but for now all is well indeed:D
there's just one thing i wish dearly i cud put right..coz it saddens me in a way that very few things do..sigh..i can only hope for the best and trust God to put it right for me..for those i love..
so my dear May..thank u for being a nice month..its been a pleasure to have u..please tell brother June to be as nice as u were:D
and life! i like u these days! coz for once ur behaving urself!:D
goodbye may:)
hello june:D
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
aney manda sarath- sigh!
sigh..i realize i sigh alot! isnt it pathetic when ur life reaches a stage when all you do is sigh! you sigh during the semester coz the work load is too much, you sigh during vacation coz its the one time of the year that gives you time to take a good long look at your own life and u sigh coz u realize there isnt much there anyway.sigh. all you do is sigh.
i wonder wether i'll sigh my life away..it'l be a life of sighs..nothing else.will it? well it heck does seem like that right now.
ok let me put it very simply. happiness and happy blue are not on very good terms these days..not at all..hence happiness has abandoned her and loneliness has befriended her. but i want happy to come back and lonely to go and that is where Blue's dilemma lies. she doesnt know how to do that:( it would seem pretty simple to an outsider maybe but its far from simple for me. I have searched for it everywhere. I have done things, undone them,done them again but nothing ever works. happy and i will never be friends again and no its not anyone's fault.
ok ok enough of all that dramatic shit.sometimes being lighthearted about a depressing thought makes it seem..hilarious! NOT!
sigh( see i told u).
sometimes people would wonder what i have to winge and sigh about. sometimes i wonder too. I have a comparatively good healthy life, a solid education to back me up, amazing friends, a supportive family, an O.K appearence and i'm basicaly a nice person.so what else could i possibly want..
its hard to answer that question. its actualy impossible. I have searched and not found an answer..its confusing and disturbing and sad. this is not how i wish to spend the rest of my life. Do all 22 year olds go thru a phase like this at some point or is it just me? am i just being over sensitive about everything and being the typical worrywart that i was born to be?
sigh..i dont know..i realy wish i did.all i do know is that there is something missing in my life rit now..like a huge gaping hole..as if a huge chunk of my soul has been cut away...that hole is empty and hollow and try as i may to fill it with busy days, excessive reading, stressful assignmnets and university at the end of the day when you lie down on ur bed the hole is just there.like it was.
empty, hollow, blank and lonely.
sigh.I have heard that you can be in a rooom full of people and still feel lonely. That's a random phrase that I have picked up from god-knows where and it has just randomly stuck on my mind coz i've always been intrigued as to how you can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. is that possible?yes it is.
how ever much you may try to run away from it that emptiness follows you. it goes everywhere you go. maybe the only time u feel you've realy chased it away is aftre you've downed a few vodkas with ur girls and reach that "happy" state where everyting seems nice and light and happy! but that again is an illusionary happiness and you wake up the next day and there it is just as it was, greeting you with a menacing smile which says"i'm here". sigh.
hahahah! sometimes its such a joke. I'm the one who goes around preaching to the world that positivity is the key to a happy life. I'm the one who keeps saying that everything in this world happens for a reason and that time will reveal that reason..i tell others to hang in there and chin up coz everything will be better soon, I told Di today that the bad mood she was in was just a moment..a fleeting moment that would be gone tomorrow,I'm the oh so wise one who tells ash that worrying over trivial things is not going to make matters better, I'm the one who reminds shay that the sun alaways shines after the rain.yes i do all of that.i'm happy blue and thats what happy people do. they spread the happiness.
so its a joke!! i'm incapble of handling my own life and its emptiness but i'm capable of uttering wise words of wisdom to others. a royal hypocrite. thats what i am!
no well not realy...just coz ur lost doesnt mean u cant reach out to another lost soul and help him/her to find there way back.I just wish i could find my way back too...
more that anything in this world i wish i could find that lost piece of my soul and fit it right back where it belongs..i have looked and searched and not found it. I know a part of it lies in the past..a past that i can never get back. a part of it lies with him..the "him" of last year. the him who i still havent forgotten.
i miss him and he doesnt know. i worry about him and he still doesnt know. sigh.did he ever know anything..sigh...thats one warped relationship i wish dearly i could put right.sigh.
sigh. ok i have lost sight of what i was saying. what was i saying??
hmmm something about the emptiness..the gaping hole.
sigh. which brings me back to it.
it just doesnt go away....its there huge as ever but invisble to all.
i'm tired of the power it has over my life..i'm tired of trying to take control of my life and failing, im tired of worrying and being miserable, i'm tired of missing people, im tired of being disappointed over and over agin. i'm tired..i'm just tired of living..and most of all im tired of this bloody blog post which should end now.
dramatic as this may sound i wish God would send me an angel who would find the missing part and help fill the gaping hole. a miracle that would bring back the happiness and drive away the loneliness, the emptiness in this happy blue heart.
miracles dont happen and angles dont exist.
sigh. such is life.
aney manda sarath only ithin...=)
H.B
i wonder wether i'll sigh my life away..it'l be a life of sighs..nothing else.will it? well it heck does seem like that right now.
ok let me put it very simply. happiness and happy blue are not on very good terms these days..not at all..hence happiness has abandoned her and loneliness has befriended her. but i want happy to come back and lonely to go and that is where Blue's dilemma lies. she doesnt know how to do that:( it would seem pretty simple to an outsider maybe but its far from simple for me. I have searched for it everywhere. I have done things, undone them,done them again but nothing ever works. happy and i will never be friends again and no its not anyone's fault.
ok ok enough of all that dramatic shit.sometimes being lighthearted about a depressing thought makes it seem..hilarious! NOT!
sigh( see i told u).
sometimes people would wonder what i have to winge and sigh about. sometimes i wonder too. I have a comparatively good healthy life, a solid education to back me up, amazing friends, a supportive family, an O.K appearence and i'm basicaly a nice person.so what else could i possibly want..
its hard to answer that question. its actualy impossible. I have searched and not found an answer..its confusing and disturbing and sad. this is not how i wish to spend the rest of my life. Do all 22 year olds go thru a phase like this at some point or is it just me? am i just being over sensitive about everything and being the typical worrywart that i was born to be?
sigh..i dont know..i realy wish i did.all i do know is that there is something missing in my life rit now..like a huge gaping hole..as if a huge chunk of my soul has been cut away...that hole is empty and hollow and try as i may to fill it with busy days, excessive reading, stressful assignmnets and university at the end of the day when you lie down on ur bed the hole is just there.like it was.
empty, hollow, blank and lonely.
sigh.I have heard that you can be in a rooom full of people and still feel lonely. That's a random phrase that I have picked up from god-knows where and it has just randomly stuck on my mind coz i've always been intrigued as to how you can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. is that possible?yes it is.
how ever much you may try to run away from it that emptiness follows you. it goes everywhere you go. maybe the only time u feel you've realy chased it away is aftre you've downed a few vodkas with ur girls and reach that "happy" state where everyting seems nice and light and happy! but that again is an illusionary happiness and you wake up the next day and there it is just as it was, greeting you with a menacing smile which says"i'm here". sigh.
hahahah! sometimes its such a joke. I'm the one who goes around preaching to the world that positivity is the key to a happy life. I'm the one who keeps saying that everything in this world happens for a reason and that time will reveal that reason..i tell others to hang in there and chin up coz everything will be better soon, I told Di today that the bad mood she was in was just a moment..a fleeting moment that would be gone tomorrow,I'm the oh so wise one who tells ash that worrying over trivial things is not going to make matters better, I'm the one who reminds shay that the sun alaways shines after the rain.yes i do all of that.i'm happy blue and thats what happy people do. they spread the happiness.
so its a joke!! i'm incapble of handling my own life and its emptiness but i'm capable of uttering wise words of wisdom to others. a royal hypocrite. thats what i am!
no well not realy...just coz ur lost doesnt mean u cant reach out to another lost soul and help him/her to find there way back.I just wish i could find my way back too...
more that anything in this world i wish i could find that lost piece of my soul and fit it right back where it belongs..i have looked and searched and not found it. I know a part of it lies in the past..a past that i can never get back. a part of it lies with him..the "him" of last year. the him who i still havent forgotten.
i miss him and he doesnt know. i worry about him and he still doesnt know. sigh.did he ever know anything..sigh...thats one warped relationship i wish dearly i could put right.sigh.
sigh. ok i have lost sight of what i was saying. what was i saying??
hmmm something about the emptiness..the gaping hole.
sigh. which brings me back to it.
it just doesnt go away....its there huge as ever but invisble to all.
i'm tired of the power it has over my life..i'm tired of trying to take control of my life and failing, im tired of worrying and being miserable, i'm tired of missing people, im tired of being disappointed over and over agin. i'm tired..i'm just tired of living..and most of all im tired of this bloody blog post which should end now.
dramatic as this may sound i wish God would send me an angel who would find the missing part and help fill the gaping hole. a miracle that would bring back the happiness and drive away the loneliness, the emptiness in this happy blue heart.
miracles dont happen and angles dont exist.
sigh. such is life.
aney manda sarath only ithin...=)
H.B
Sunday, May 9, 2010
irritated much!
I'm in a highly irritated mood and so I've decided that i'm going to write a list of things that irritates me and find out which one of those is the culprit this time! warning- this list contains highly offensive material- read on at ur own risk and remember this is a personal blog and i write what I wish to write! NOT what u wish to hear!
things that irritate me.
people who boast- about themselves, about what they have and what they do.
poeple who continuosly complaint and grumble about their lives. all our lives suck.period.u dont need to winge about it too much.
boys.
annoying girls.
girls who cant stop talking about their beauty and boys about their good looks.
rainy days.
vanilla-less iced coffee
fudgers
lazy people
aimless, jobless people.
boys who dont reply texts.
girls who annoy boys.
wannabes
FOBS! urrrgh!
people who do everything I do.
people who do not listen to what i say- (unfair)
people who stay calm when i get mad and make me feel like a cow for getting mad.
people who never get mad.
wet jeans
body odour
old smelly clothes
messy hair.
my brothers
people who disrupt my plans.
the too holy type
people with rigid principles
people who grumble constantly
silly people
soppy people.
soppy people.
silly people.
the heat.
attention seeking status updates
people who have a problem with the way i live.
people who have a problem with my moods.
people who have a problem with my silence.
too much light.
a boring book
clothes that look good but dont fit
bitches
fat boys
boys with layers of flesh around their tummies, arms and legs and face
headaches
anyone who messes with my sister
people who think that a man is their only priority in life.
know-it-alls
a hot stuffy bus.
people who do not know that there is something called Sri Lankan English and that it will soon become a standard variety.
wannabe snobs who are actualy nothing short of royal FOBS!
bah.g.aya.
thats it.
annoying rats!!!!
things that irritate me.
people who boast- about themselves, about what they have and what they do.
poeple who continuosly complaint and grumble about their lives. all our lives suck.period.u dont need to winge about it too much.
boys.
annoying girls.
girls who cant stop talking about their beauty and boys about their good looks.
rainy days.
vanilla-less iced coffee
fudgers
lazy people
aimless, jobless people.
boys who dont reply texts.
girls who annoy boys.
wannabes
FOBS! urrrgh!
people who do everything I do.
people who do not listen to what i say- (unfair)
people who stay calm when i get mad and make me feel like a cow for getting mad.
people who never get mad.
wet jeans
body odour
old smelly clothes
messy hair.
my brothers
people who disrupt my plans.
the too holy type
people with rigid principles
people who grumble constantly
silly people
soppy people.
soppy people.
silly people.
the heat.
attention seeking status updates
people who have a problem with the way i live.
people who have a problem with my moods.
people who have a problem with my silence.
too much light.
a boring book
clothes that look good but dont fit
bitches
fat boys
boys with layers of flesh around their tummies, arms and legs and face
headaches
anyone who messes with my sister
people who think that a man is their only priority in life.
know-it-alls
a hot stuffy bus.
people who do not know that there is something called Sri Lankan English and that it will soon become a standard variety.
wannabe snobs who are actualy nothing short of royal FOBS!
bah.g.aya.
thats it.
annoying rats!!!!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
birthday blues
ha happy blue has hit 22! such an old hag dont u think and people still keep asking "no party?" party for what mate??to celebrate having reached almost a quarter century and still having not figured out her life or a party to celebrate 22 years of existence on this cursed soil??ok ok dont mean to be all neagtive and all but honestly this birthday has by far been the worst ever! "birthday blues"..i couldnt have put it any better.
its strange..i have always loved birthdays..mine especially..i believe in birthdays..in the beauty they hold.to imagine that so many years ago on a similar day a little bundle of flesh was born and how that little bundle of flesh has grown to be what he/she is today! amazing huh! birthdays are beautiful. i believe its that one special day which is all yours. A day when u are the centre of attention and everyone loves u more than other days..a day when long forgotten friends remember you..a heavenly day i would say.
but what was it this year than an absolute shithole!I just wanted to curl up and die and no its no exaggeration. it was awful the worst birthday in my entire life and no it had very little do with advancing an extra year and even less to do with the fact that at 22 i'm still searching for what i want to do with my life. No it had nothing do with anything but a lot to do with my own stubborness, stupidity, and extremely high expectations. After a year of disappointments u wonder whether I have still not learnt that life is one big disappointment after all.huh! no i havent! sigh. It was the first time I wished that everyone would just forget...but noone did and when i say noone i mean NOONE.sigh..
it sux..it truly did..but it wasnt a feeling that i could share with anyone..what sort of a bloddy spoilsport starts winging on her b'day! and gone are the days when i told the world what i was feeling anyway. I have realized thru trial and error that the world doesnt have answers for my problems. They lie within me but either i'm too stubborn or either i'm just plain dumb to figure them out for myself. sigh.
I have never felt that lonely or empty in my life ever..ok I may have..but for this year it was the first..it was awful.
why would i feel alone when noone forgot..NOONE..not even the very person who i thought would most obviusly forget.
na he remembered well enough..it wasnt that. it was the strangeness, the disappointment, the wierdity of it all that realy got to me.How strange is it when the very person who only a year ago on your last birthday called u up from a far away land,at the crack of dawn just to make sure that he would be the first to wish me on the morning of my birthday.To surprise u and make u happy. that's all. ya those were the words.
and this year...its been just a year.. 365 days..not a long time..how very different..how very strange..how very distant...its the distance that breaks my heart yet..a distance that i chose to keep. he didnt. he just went along with my choice. coz he's a good boy that's why. Try telling me otherwise and i'll kick ur ass and i mean it.
i guess i expected too much from him and that was wrong. it just left me disapointed and dampened my day. he gave what he could and without being the ungrateful little winger that I am i ought to be thankful that he at least cared enough..he always did..i know. and he still does..i know. but i just wish things were diffrent and I hadnt been that harsh on him.
the bottomline though is that he could never read me. and he never will be able to. poor keeper boy:(
no let me revise that. the bottomline is that aftre all these months he is still there..in my thoughts.every minute..every day... cliche`d as that may sound.despite all the damage control methods the truth nevertheless remains that i miss him very much and that what i felt about him then is still very much alive in this dumb broken heart of mine.
why did i have to fall that deep? what was he but an ordinary just-another-keeper boy! nothing more. but so much more...I fell so hard that still months later I have not been able to think of anyone else in that way. I dont want to. coz i'm not intersted anymore.I have shut my heart coz despite the heartbreak it still longs for that boy. noone else. Plus i'm convinced that love just breaks ur heart and i dont think mine could withstand another heartbreak.
i feel sorry for him...how much worse it must be for him I sometimes wonder...
sigh...I hope next year things will be different..wishful thinking..but the way life keeps changing I would like to believe that nothing is impossible.
disappointment, discontent, depression, heartbreak, loneliness and unhappiness have become a part of this happy blue life now.. such an oxymoron the name itself is no. sigh.
but i'm good coz sometimes its easier to just say that and get away rather than explain why ur not good! who would understand what i have to complain about. sometimes I myself dont.
there's a lot i dont understand...and if I meet God one day there's just one thing I have to ask him..why did u bring him into my life if U knew you were going to take him away God? why?"
I'll never know...
Happy birthday happy blue:)
I love u!
its strange..i have always loved birthdays..mine especially..i believe in birthdays..in the beauty they hold.to imagine that so many years ago on a similar day a little bundle of flesh was born and how that little bundle of flesh has grown to be what he/she is today! amazing huh! birthdays are beautiful. i believe its that one special day which is all yours. A day when u are the centre of attention and everyone loves u more than other days..a day when long forgotten friends remember you..a heavenly day i would say.
but what was it this year than an absolute shithole!I just wanted to curl up and die and no its no exaggeration. it was awful the worst birthday in my entire life and no it had very little do with advancing an extra year and even less to do with the fact that at 22 i'm still searching for what i want to do with my life. No it had nothing do with anything but a lot to do with my own stubborness, stupidity, and extremely high expectations. After a year of disappointments u wonder whether I have still not learnt that life is one big disappointment after all.huh! no i havent! sigh. It was the first time I wished that everyone would just forget...but noone did and when i say noone i mean NOONE.sigh..
it sux..it truly did..but it wasnt a feeling that i could share with anyone..what sort of a bloddy spoilsport starts winging on her b'day! and gone are the days when i told the world what i was feeling anyway. I have realized thru trial and error that the world doesnt have answers for my problems. They lie within me but either i'm too stubborn or either i'm just plain dumb to figure them out for myself. sigh.
I have never felt that lonely or empty in my life ever..ok I may have..but for this year it was the first..it was awful.
why would i feel alone when noone forgot..NOONE..not even the very person who i thought would most obviusly forget.
na he remembered well enough..it wasnt that. it was the strangeness, the disappointment, the wierdity of it all that realy got to me.How strange is it when the very person who only a year ago on your last birthday called u up from a far away land,at the crack of dawn just to make sure that he would be the first to wish me on the morning of my birthday.To surprise u and make u happy. that's all. ya those were the words.
and this year...its been just a year.. 365 days..not a long time..how very different..how very strange..how very distant...its the distance that breaks my heart yet..a distance that i chose to keep. he didnt. he just went along with my choice. coz he's a good boy that's why. Try telling me otherwise and i'll kick ur ass and i mean it.
i guess i expected too much from him and that was wrong. it just left me disapointed and dampened my day. he gave what he could and without being the ungrateful little winger that I am i ought to be thankful that he at least cared enough..he always did..i know. and he still does..i know. but i just wish things were diffrent and I hadnt been that harsh on him.
the bottomline though is that he could never read me. and he never will be able to. poor keeper boy:(
no let me revise that. the bottomline is that aftre all these months he is still there..in my thoughts.every minute..every day... cliche`d as that may sound.despite all the damage control methods the truth nevertheless remains that i miss him very much and that what i felt about him then is still very much alive in this dumb broken heart of mine.
why did i have to fall that deep? what was he but an ordinary just-another-keeper boy! nothing more. but so much more...I fell so hard that still months later I have not been able to think of anyone else in that way. I dont want to. coz i'm not intersted anymore.I have shut my heart coz despite the heartbreak it still longs for that boy. noone else. Plus i'm convinced that love just breaks ur heart and i dont think mine could withstand another heartbreak.
i feel sorry for him...how much worse it must be for him I sometimes wonder...
sigh...I hope next year things will be different..wishful thinking..but the way life keeps changing I would like to believe that nothing is impossible.
disappointment, discontent, depression, heartbreak, loneliness and unhappiness have become a part of this happy blue life now.. such an oxymoron the name itself is no. sigh.
but i'm good coz sometimes its easier to just say that and get away rather than explain why ur not good! who would understand what i have to complain about. sometimes I myself dont.
there's a lot i dont understand...and if I meet God one day there's just one thing I have to ask him..why did u bring him into my life if U knew you were going to take him away God? why?"
I'll never know...
Happy birthday happy blue:)
I love u!
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