coincidence!

Is it a coincidence i wonder??
is it a coincidence that every time my heart desparately longs for something that something very strangley appears at the most random strange moments?
is it a coincidence or is it something else.......
.....................................................
i dont know...i never will...
but there is something i do know....
i was right about the happy charm:)

missing!

Exams!! sigh!

Yes i have studied..maybe even more than other times..i have put in a lot of effort, time and truly focused despite alot of negative distractions. The positive distractions have vanished this time over..is that a good thing or not i sometimes wonder? I feel more confident than last time...i feel better prepared i feel better in many ways....but yet...

but yet...how much has changed since the last time i sat for a major exam...soo much..

yes true i'm better prepared this time..i know i can do better and yes i do want to do well and get good grades. Yet that support...that encouragment that "you can do it Pri" is missing...and i yearn for it..i do..when i'm tired and stressed and feel that i cant do anymore, when my confidence fails me, when i absolutely cant go any further i want that encouragement...that "hey miss pri take it easy..you can do it..ur a smart girl", i need that reassuarance that i cant give my own self, that "mamme kiyuwoth waradin ne..take my word for it".....i need it coz...i need it..

i know its still within my reach...but in soo many ways its different...

my heart yearns for that confidence, that support that only that one person can give me..the very thing that i cant have..its a pity that my heart always wants things that it cant have...

so this time over i'm on my own...noone to report back to after exams...no "i told u it would be easy for you ne", no one to complain about to about all the shortcomings in the paper, noone to cheer me up when i'm in total despair that i'v flunked...no more calls from banga to tell me that what is gone is gone!! cheer up leave it behind and move on...

i'm on my own..and i will survive...without that source of confidence and support..i will do my best on my own! coz ther's no other alternative....
i truly wish my happy charm was around..it may not have brought me luck but it brought soo many other things that were sooo much better that luck alone!

miss pri is a smart girl...thank you for telling me that....

Never regret anything that made you smile:)

I came across a very intersting phrase today..."never regret anything that made you smile"
For some random reason this line stuck in my mind and i have been thinking about it over and over again..its true isnt it...when things go wrong we blame ourselves, we blame others, we hate ourselves for being so foolish and naive. Yet amidst all that we forget the good times we had..the times when we smiled..a true heartfelt smile..the happy memories.
I was no different...regret was the only thing that i felt..There was regret for everything that had happened, everything that i had done..the mistakes..the foolishness..evrything. Regret in ever getting to know that which at times i wish i had never known..There was not a moment that passed when i didnt stop regretting and it made me in no way feel better. It just continued to add to the miserable helpless feeling that seemed to have pervaded my being.
but today one single simple line changed things..changed my thoughts--never regret anything that made you smile--
its true..why must we regret anything that made us smile..that made us happy? a smile..a genuine heart felt smile is not something that you need to feel any sort of regret about.Rather you need to feel happy that you were given the chance to smile...a smile that will linger with you long after that which made you smile is gone.
I do not know whether there will be anyone who will make me smile like i did..maybe there will be maybe there wont. But i do know that i will no longer look back at those memories..the bitter once and the sweet ones with regret..coz you can never regret anything that made you smile..never regret meeting anyone who brought a true smile on to your face.
I smiled like i never smiled before..i was happier than i ever was...things may not be the same today....things have changed in an unexpected way..
Yet i have no regrets now..how can i regret something that made me soo happy? that made me trully smile?

i will never think regretfully about that day anymore...the day which fate chose to let a random stranger cross my path and leave an imprint that time may never erase...ever.

smiles:)

There are those random moments in life when we look back at certain past events..certain memories that we have cherished at the back of our minds ..and smile...a true genuine smile that is born from the depths of our hearts. Its a smile that brings back the memories, the happiness involved with those memories and fills our heart with warmth and a strange sense of meloncholy too...its a true smile that is born out of true happiness...
Yet the smile in itself is of a strange nature...its a genuine smile that makes your eyes brighten up. yet hidden behind that smile is an element of sadness, hurt and pain...maybe it springs from the fact that you realize that your source of happiness is no longer available..no longer yours..or maybe its the hurt that springs from regret..regret that life had to turn out this way..the ache in your heart for that mising element of happiness in your life......
but yet you smile...coz the memories are soo sweet so warm that its warmth still fills your heart and makes you feel as if it all happened just yesterday:)
There were times when i felt that every memory would only bring a tear..but things seem differnt now...the hurt and pain still lingers yet the memories dont hurt as much...they still bring a smile on to my face for when i look back i realize that they were the best times of my life..the happiest and the best and i'm thankful to at least have the memories to hold on to...
the smile may not be as pretty as it was...it may not make me glow like it once did but as long as the memories last i will always smile that happy blue smile of mine:)
its strange how random people can influence us soo much..how even a simple thing as a smile relies on them..on the memories they created for us..we created with them...
I have met many lovely people in my life....people who have influenced me in numerous ways..who have made me what i am today...but for me there is but just one person who will always always make me smile...
things may have changed...yet......life continues...two separate paths that were never meant to merge...yet the smile will always remain the same...
I only wish i knew.. whether the memories light up those eyes. too...just like they do mine...whether they add a gleam, a sparkle to the brightest pair of eyes i've ever seen...i wish i knew whether i was able to give back at least a fraction of the same happiness to the life that added a new dimension to my own life and changed it forever............
Miss Pri realy wishes she knew!
:)(

sometimes i wonder....

sometimes i wonder why God makes us keep praying for what we need when he already knows...

sometimes i wonder why God takes away the things that mean the most to us...

sometimes i wonder why God brings people in to our lives and then snatches them away from us...

sometimes i wonder why God gives when he knows that he's gonna take it a way...

sometimes i wonder why God never makes our plans come true...

sometimes i wonder why God leaves us soo helpless...

sometimes i wonder why God doesnt bless people with the things that they trully deserve....

sometimes i wonder why God makes all the bad things happen to the good people in the world...

sometimes i wonder why God gives us things that we never expect...

sometimes i wonder why God pretends to be deaf to the prayers that we keep repeating all the time...

sometimes i wonder why God keeps so many people unhappy, lonely and lost in this world...

sometimes i wonder why God gives us soo much hope, happiness and then takes it all away as if we dont deserve to have it...

sometimes i wonder why God never makes some of our dreams come true...

sometimes i wonder why God had to bring him in to my life....


....but who am I to question God!

:)(:

once in awhile we all like to feel appreciated....to feel that even though you think you are forgotten people do remember you..they may remember you at the strangest most random moments but it feels good to know that at least they do remember you.
It feels good when you feel that your opinion counts too...its nice to know that even though things may have changed some people still feel that they can depend on you when they are in confusion or when they just want to talk...just want to let it out.
it makes you feel good to know that people who you think about incessantly...every moment...and who you think dont even remember your existence anymore, do still remember you occasionaly..
it feels good to know that even though you are apart you are still not strangers...friendship still lingers on..
its even better to know that what ever may have happened...how ever great the pain and hurt was you still have it in you to help another in a time of need...
its nice to feel appreciated:)
its good to know that at least one day is different from the rest...
but you know what makes you realy happy??

its when God answers the silent prayer of your heart when you yourself have stopped praying for it!
:)

strangers in a strange world....

Life is such a strange strange phenomenon...it does the most strange things to us and then strands us in a strange strange world.

its strange how fate decides to bring strangers in to our lives.people whose existence was completely oblivious to us before fate decided to make them cross our path. we meet them at the strangest places possible, under the strangest circumstances and suddenly these virtual strangers turn into friends...special people in our lives.yes a strange twist indeed!

and sometimes you wonder how these random strangers end up earning an irreplaceable place in your life. you know for sure it was something more than the big straw hat and the ultra feminine pink T that made you feel almost instantaneously that these strangers were strangely not strangers anymore.

suddenly fate decides to change these virtual strangers into very special people in our lives.In their own oblivious way they carve a special place in our lives and in our hearts..they make us smile, and blush like a cute little 16 year old.they make us happy in their own special way...they are strangers no more:)

then they do something that makes you feel so special, so cared for that you feel as if you are probably the happiest luckiest soul in the world. you thank fate from the depths of your soul for bringing these random strangers in to your life.

and then its gone...a minute, a couple of hours, a day is all it takes to turn these strangers who are no longer strangers to us..back into strangers! they are gone as fast as they came in to our lives..

with time you realize that all the while these strangers fooled you...played around with you..maybe unintentionally but still you were fooled into believing something that was virtually non existent. it was all a facade..you look back and realize that everything that you once thought was done especially for you were things that they would do for any other random stranger that they happen to come across!

It rips you apart...breaks you into a million pieces..you curse fate with the same vigour that you once thanked it for for bringing these strange people in to your life. you curse yourself for making these strangers such an integral part of your life..for all the care you gave them..for giving them such a special place in your life..in your heart...a place that may not be replaced by any other...a void that will always remain.

then you try to hate them...for what they so obliviously..unknowingly..and unintentionally did...a futile attempt..you have given them soo much of yourself that you cant find the heart to hate them.

stupid stupid strangers!! you gave them soo much and they never even asked for it. you fooled yourself into believing that they did. you opened your heart to them...and all they did was rip it apart. it wasn't their fault.it was yours for soo foolishly letting a random stranger control your whole life..your feelings...your thoughts..for believing and trusting a stranger who you knew nothing about but foolishly thought you did.

the stranger who turned over your whole world..who changed everything in you..who you had learnt to depend on soo much...who was no longer a stranger to you but rather the very opposite of that....has now once again become nothing but a stranger...a stranger who unknowingly has such control over you..over your thoughts..your mood..your entire day.
ain't it strange how some random person can have such a lot of control over you?such power that he or she can either make or break your day?

life is strange...it brings these strangers into our lives and then rudely snatches them away without any apparent reason and that too after we have made them a part of us...if so why then did fate make them cross our paths?

all we are left is with a deep sense of emptiness...a hollow deep within...a loneliness that all the love in the world cant diminish.. we are left as wandering strangers in a strange world with a heart that aches for that one stranger who randomly crossed our path one day....in a strange way....the stranger who your heart can never forget.

a strange strange world it is....

:(

and it happens again....evrything seems ok and then in the course of a few minutes it changes. the feeling returns. that nameless awful feeling that makes me feel just empty, hollow and blank:( its my fault..i always seem to open a can of worms at the wrong time...i keep going back...remembering...i wish i could stop thinking! i wish someone would take away my ability to think! as usual i always keep wishing for things i cant have..ever!
i cant help it...there's always something that will make it all come back....
just when i think....things seem better now....i end up realizing that nothing has changed....and i wonder whether it ever will...
nothing scares me more than the thought that i will always be here. stuck.unable to move on! and now i doubt whether the decision i made was the wisest thing to do...maybe i should have listened to what my friends said rather than trusting my own self..n my warped decisions.
i miss it...i realy do:(

confused

I see things now..things that i never saw before...things that were so obvious yet which i was totaly oblivious to! i see it all..very very clearly yet i still keep defending that which need not be defended at all! I do not need to defend it...i cannot change the way people think, or stop the people who genuinely love and care for me from standing up for me and taking my side. I love them for being there for me yet i still do not want to hear anyone say anything against that which i am striving sooo hard to defend!! and why?? do i see a reason in doing that??would that which i'm trying to defend even care??
and sometimes i dont even feel like defending it anymore....coz when i look back i can see that its not worth it! I dont blame myself for what i felt, for everything i did..coz had i not responded in that way i wouldnt have been human! it would have taken a heart of stone to not feel what i felt given the circumstances.
so in a way that which i am trying to defend is not worth defending at all! yet i do it! i keep defending "that" all the time even though deep inside i myself dont believe in it! there are times when i feel like just screaming out "yes you are to blame!!" but i dont...i keep shut as i always do...
and then again at times i feel that defending is the right thing to do...noone else has the right to judge and i know that that which im struggling soo hard to defend could never knowingly hurt anyone....not me..
i dont know..i honestly dont...all i do know is that i will always keep defending that which need not be defended at all....i'm tired and exhausted of doing it but i will continue to do so....coz deep inside underneath all the confusion my heart tells me that i'm doing the right thing...and until the day that my heart tells me otherwise i will continue to defend him.

the heart has reason that reason does not understand!

...there are times when our hearts tell us one thing and our minds tell us another...at times its hard to understand which we should obey..whether we should listen to our hearts or our minds. they both tell us what we should do yet then why do they always always tell us opposing things?? why is it that our hearts tell us one thing and our minds tell us to do the exact opposite of that??why is it soo hard for the two to work together and thus make our lives less complicated!!
they say that your heart guides you...then what does your mind do?
maybe following what your mind says is the wise thing to do... the right thing ...your mind will tell you what you should do..but is that what you realy want to do?
your mind tells you to let go...to move on..to forget that which you ought to forget..yet your heart doesnt let you..it stubbornly refuses to let go. its as if your heart wants to hold on forever..hold on to something that does not belong to you..that never did!
is that a wise thing to do?? is it worth the hurt and pain??is it worth holding on, obeying the commands of your heart?rejecting the voice of logic and reason!

my mind tells me to let go but my heart wont let me......and sadly i choose to listen to my heart.

i hope that with time my heart will learn....to stop holding on to something that my mind sees no point in holding on to and to let go...forever.

but for now.... the heart rules!