I started this blog 3 months ago as a means of expressing the anger, pain and hurt that i was feeling all the time. Every post revolved around that one depressing subject. Him.
He was all i wrote about. He was all i thought about. He was everything. He hurt me and made me cry but still he was the nicest boy i ever knew. He made me happy too in a way that very few people ever have. He was not mine but i still continued to hold on to him refusing to let go and refusing to accept that i never meant anything more than a friend to him. He made that choice 3 months ago.
Today 3 months later i made a choice. A choice that I know will undoubtedly cause me a lot of pain and heartache but with time will prove to be the best choice after all. I burnt the broken bridge. I took the left turn and decided to travel alone.
He is no longer a friend. no longer a stranger. He is but a memory. a memory that from this day forward i will try to forget.
All these months i have felt like a failure. a disappointment. I have felt soo small and insignificant and worthless that there were times that i hated myself. I despised myself. I blamed myself for everything that happened. It was all my fault. I was the fool. I was the loser or so i convinced myself.
But I'm fed up of underestimating my own self and i realize today that i have more worth than that. I may have failed to win his heart but that does not make me a failure. After months of pain and hurt and feeling like one big disappointment today I feel proud of myself. I feel proud because i did something that i never thought i would be capable of doing proving once again that nothing in this world is impossible.
I do know that it is not going to be easy. There will be moments when i will regret what i did. I will feel sad and miserable. I will remember. I will miss him.
But yet from this point onwards i realize that there's no turning back. I burnt that broken bridge and it cant be built again. Its a thing of the past. A past that will not make its way to the future.
I do miss him very very much and maybe a part of me always will.
I sometimes wonder whether i will ever be able to care for anyone like that again. Whether there will be anyone who values that care. whether i will ever find someone who will love me and care for me and give me what he could not...
Today as i type this i feel that i have found something that has been missing in my life for a long time. peace. I feel free as if i was chained all these months and just manged to break away. Maybe I'll not feel the same tomorrow. i don't know. But for today I'm good. I feel free and at peace.
Shay was right. The rain stopped long ago but i was just refusing to come out of the closed room and enjoy the sunlight. After all the sun never stops shining does it??
This was probably the hardest decision i have ever made in my entire life. It took a lot of strength and will power to really let go and decide to move on. We see death as the hardest form of separation. But how much harder it is to say goodbye to someone alive..someone who you cared for..someone who at this very moment may not even remember that you exist...
Life has once again proved to me that nothing is impossible. No let me rephrase that. Nothing is impossible if you trust in God and have a few good friends to support you. To back you up when you feel like your failing. to hold your hand and gently whisper "you can do it". There are times when friends prove to be even better than family. I thank God from the bottom of my heart for blessing me with the best ever. I could never have made this decision on my own if not for their love, support and encouragement and mostly for making me feel that i do have worth after all. The decision was mine but i would never have had the courage or strength to see it through if not for three very special people.
And for him i have nothing else to wish for but that all happiness will be his and that he gets a chance to make his dream come true. I truly hope that luck will be on his side this time over and that history will not be soo cruel as to repeat itself and even if it does that there is someone by him to help him through. Coz tough and hard as he may be he needs that support...
Every night the only prayer that i brought before God was that He would work a miracle for me. A miracle that would transform my life and take away the pain and bring back peace.
I finally found my miracle....
Happy Blue:)
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