Shay always tells me that after the rain the sun always shines.always! but where is the sun i sometimes wonder. It has rained long enough.monsoon rains with stormy winds and rolling thunder. But the sun still seems to be hidden behind a cloud refusing to come out and shine again. Then again i wonder whether i myself am keeping the sun out? that is a possibility i tell myself since i have deprived my ownself of soo much these past few months.
Am i this weak?this helpless? this incapable to take the reins of my life into my own hands instead of letting the wickets control??
The wickets!! they are my weakness.
I was never this weak. This was not who i was. I was stronger than this. If i made a decision i stood by it.i never abandoned them and gave into any sort of weakness.
but who am i today??a sinking iceberg my friend tells me. do icebergs sink?? i'm more like a leaf blown around by strong winds. when the winds blow north the leaf drifts northwards. when the winds blow south the leaf drifts southwards. when the wind is still the leaf is still. the wind controls the little leaf. But one day the winds will be gone...and then what? what will the leaf do?will it stand stong and refuse to be blown away again or will it have decayed with the force of the winds?
how long more i ask myself everyday? how long more do i have to feel this pain and hurt. a pain and hurt which is a result of the love and care i gave so willingly to someone who cared not whether he received it or not. was that the mistake i made? why was it that i cared so much and never realized that he never cared? he didnt care for me.he didnt even care about the care i gave him. his love, his heart was elsewhere.
i'm fed up of this empty feeling that takes over my whole being at the most random moments ever. its like a constant feeling of nausea and you can never puke it out. it remains stuck somewhere in your body and nothing not even the best of friends can help you feel better.
It's like this feeling i get when we're on our way to N'Eliya on the hairpin bends in hatton when thathi drives realy fast and makes our stomaches whirl about. But there's a differnce. when thathi drives there's the assuarance that we are safe and that even though this particular stretch is rough our destination will compensate for all the nasty feelings and rough points.
but this feeling is not the same. I do not know when it will end. if it will ever end. there is no assuarance that after all the miserable feelings, the horrid days, the rough paths that i will end up in some serenly beautiful place where all is happy and at peace.
and once again on that hard, bumpy road which just keeps winding and winding, stretching on for miles on end i face a crossroad. which road do i take?
either way i do not know where i'm headed. if i turn right it would mean that i travel alone. without that which i still hold on to. burning the already broken bridge and leaving us as mere strangers. again it'll hurt me. the stranger will not even feel it.
if i turn left the stranger will travel with me. neither as a stranger or a friend. a strange bond that is of no use to either of us. he will travel on his own separate lane. I on my own. he knows where he's headed. a straight direct path. I on the other hand know not where i'm headed to. all i see is a long bumpy road stretching for miles on end. two lanes. two lives that will never travel together. again it'll hurt me. the stranger will not even feel it.
either way i end up being the loser. whatever turn i take il crash. i'll be the one hurting while he moves on regardless of whether i'm there or not.
he leaves in a few days to see his lifelong dream become a reality. my fingers are still crossed for him. my heart still hopes that he is blessed with the best,that God will not abandon him or disappoint him like last time.
how strange life is. i remember last time i even knew when he was cleaning his shoes and pasting stickers on that willow stick. this time i know nothing.
In a way i'm glad he'll be gone for awhile. maybe this messed upself can be put back in order. would 30 days be enough to do what 3 months couldnt do? i also know that when he comes back things will be different.in soo many ways. I may not even be a minute part of his life anymore. I may just be the girl he met at the match not the miss pri who let her whole life revolve around a wicket for 5 long months, not the miss pri who was there for him when ever he wanted her, not the miss pri who used to bug him that he slept too much. not ms pri. just plain old prianil!
its like a losing match...seven more runs with one ball remaining.impossible.
i lose.the wicket wins.
........
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